… Or How to be Terrible at Exposition
It’s that time again for me to read a chapter from a novel that I wrote a decade ago and slowly begin to understand why so many publishers rejected it.
XBook is that deepest, darkest memory that you have. The one that wakes you up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m. as you remember that you did THAT thing.
So, what is my deepest darkest thing? Back when I was in my late teens, I staged an alien invasion in the early twentieth century. Right after the First World War, in fact. And this is an invasion. Billions of aliens with the power to cross space pitched against a ravished human population who couldn’t even cross the Atlantic in a plane. Seems a bit unmatched, doesn’t it? But that’s what I did. And to make my shame greater, I made sure that my writing style and story-telling ability was weak and naive. And to secure that, I painted in many surreal images to hide the fact there is not much story or character development.
Many years later, and I have made this podcast as a confessional to cleanse my soul and do an examination of the story and the person I was to create such heinous crimes to fiction after I have read the chapter. I am the reason public libraries are shutting down in the UK. It’s to keep this book away from the public. Now I risk destroying the Internet too.
What has happened so far? Well, Ginger Jeeves, a pilot in the newly formed Royal Air Force has taken Christmas leave after the end of the Great War. And William, Supreme Leader of the Trascon race has triggered the first wave of the invasion of Earth.
Yes, we are moving into the sixth chapter, so will we see any hint of a story that has so far eluded us? Let’s find out, and please remember that:
This is fiction,
Always fiction.
Logic is as logic does.
December 24th
Chapter 6 - William Discusses More of the Story
Why a fleet of ships? This brings me onto the point of matter transporters, or teleporters, transportation machines, whatever you want to call them, they all do the same basic thing. Besides, none of them work in the way that anyone has hoped. They never got past the design stage, so you can never safely say that they have been invented.
Basically, as I’m sure you’re all aware, they are a means of transporting a person, or more preferably, based on evidence, an object, from one point in space to another point in space. Now, there are many difficulties in achieving this. First, to operate one, you need to have a mathematical and scientific brain the size of a… whatever is big enough to be able to do all the calculations to get the starting point and the destination point. Why not use a computer? You need to program it first. Very difficult. Why not use computers to build programs? One step at a time! We’re not there yet!
Simple example. You want to go from somewhere like Earth to the star, Alpha Centauri. Four light years away. The speed limit of the universe. Maybe a bit far away, you think. Well, it proves a good example, especially when you begin to think about visiting planets the other end of the universe. Much further away.
First of all, you need to be able to work out an exact starting point. Then you need to work out a finishing point, depending on position of the destination, and also distance. Sounds easy. Then you need to take into account two, if not three, very important considerations. The first is this. Everything is moving. Planets revolve around stars. Stars revolve around galaxies. Galaxies revolve around universes. Who knows, universes may even revolve something much greater, and so on and so on. But at least the bigger you get, the slower everything gets and, therefore, less the consideration. We hope. It’s never been proved efficiently, yet. So, although you have a starting point, you need to know exactly where your destination point will be when you get there. Especially as everything is not just moving circularly, but in a wave like fashion, up and down, as well. Much more difficult.
The second fact is that the universe is expanding. That means that the universe is getting ever larger, that things within the universe are expanding with it. If distances are expanding, then so are the objects within them (if that is what is really happening) and that shouldn’t present so much of a problem, should it? After all, the scales remain the same. But we need to calculate the rate at which they will grow, and that makes it all the more complicated.
But then that third aspect. If we are travelling to Alpha Centauri from Earth, and if the speed limit is light speed, then that’s going to take at least four years to get there. Maybe more. That’s why all these distances and rates of growth apply. It’s easier on a much smaller scale, of course. Next door is not going to move very much in the instant it will take to get there, but then, why would you want to transport to next door?
So what else? Well, how do we actually transport people and things? There are two ways. Molecular transportation or converting the body into radio waves. Let’s have a look at both of these.
Firstly, Molecular transportation. De-molecularising a living being or creature, then sending all those molecules to another point, where they will be put back together. But how will they be reconverted? Will they just automatically be reconverted, will the machine at the starting point have to do it, or will there be another machine at the destination point to do that? If there was another machine, at least it would help with the transportation by acting as a guidance beam. You’ve got to get one there first. You won’t just be able to explore randomly. But if you are converting molecules, how do you push them to their destination? They will lose momentum. Maybe not in space, but certainly in atmospheres.
Another look is needed at this. If they are losing momentum, why is this so? Simple. Air molecules are getting in the way. You need a force there to keep them moving, without bouncing off air molecules. This is extremely inefficient. There can be no force. The transported molecules are colliding with air molecules, most if not all are going to get lost. Stopped, bounced away, or will react, creating newer molecules and not a part of the original being. An even simpler example. What if they come across another object, such as a wall. They will stop, resulting in a big mess on the wall. It cannot happen. Even if most did manage to get through. With large parts missing, the body could not function properly and would die long before the body, if living, had a chance to regenerate new cells to replace those missing molecules. Simpler. Imagine if the head molecules all got lost. The being would have no head. Dead.
Radio transportation seems better. Both light and sound waves can be transformed into radio waves through whatever means. But that is because they are already waves in their own right. But what about physical cells and molecules? They would have to be examined, copied and, using their natural vibrations, send off these digitally copied radio waves. They can now pass through any obstacle. Almost. Radio waves can pass through virtually any object. As we speak, millions of bits of information are flying through space through radio waves, be that radioactivity or radio waves containing information such as music and news reports. The only thing that can distort them is static caused by other waves and electricity. But these can always be re-enforced, signals can be strengthened and re-sent, and the rebuilding process can start only when all the bits of information have been sent, making sure of any inaccuracies caused by duplication.
This is simple for an object. But what about for the living objects that may be transported? How quickly will it take for anything to rematerialise? Obviously, that depends on the size of the creature. But even in the smallest creature, just think how many cells or atoms there are. If you aren’t rematerialised immediately, then those first cells formed would die, as without the rest of the body to support each cell, it’s energy reserves would dry up, and it would die before the rest of the body had a chance to form itself. If it takes any length of time to form, most of the cells would be dead, meaning that the creature would die on re-entry. Each cell would have to rematerialise simultaneously, but with that many cells in any living creature, how could one machine be able to sort out all that data?
We then come onto another important aspect when dealing with living creatures. What actually makes up life? Is there a soul in the body, and if so, how would that be transported, if no-one really knows what it is? Even if you could, chances are that even if you could perfectly transport a creature, the DNA encoded in those cells would not be able to work without a soul. Leaving you with a dead body on your hands. That’s if there is a soul. But if not, then what makes us all unique?
For instance, if you’re all asked to walk so far and then stop, why would some walk until they can go as far as they can? Why would some only walk a few paces? Why would some hop and jump? Why would some walk faster than others? Why would some stop when they get bored - and why do these all have different boredom levels? Why would some pace themselves? Why would some enjoy it? Why would some hate it? Why all these possibilities?
Obviously some depend on age and athletic abilities, there are a number of different factors to consider, but then why are some more athletic than others, spending time exercising when others can’t be bothered? Is there an answer? We are not all machines, we are all different, though not so noticeably on the outside. Why? Is it a soul, and then what makes up that soul? Is it something bizarre, like chaos theory? Is it our own DNA encoding telling us what to be? Is it a conscious decision, or is it fate, destiny? Is there a god controlling everything that we do? What is this universe that we all live in? It is almost too scary to contemplate.
I, like so many people, need answers. But the universe is too big. Too BIG. It’s that big, how can there be answers? Is everything just random, or is there some massive physics equation waiting around somewhere to explain everything? What, just what?! Ignorance is bliss. Escapism is good. I must suspend my disbelief.
But what is happening now? We have resorted to a technology that we know and trust, our own Smoovs, smaller craft that travel through space in the simplest way. They are being sent down to Earth to issue the humans with a warning. If they wish to talk, we will talk. If they wish to fight, we will fight. We are giving them an ultimatum and time in which to discuss this amongst themselves. Many are going down to many of the major cities on Earth. This should clarify matters that this is a serious warning. We will state who we are and our intentions. They will have until tomorrow to make up their minds what it is that they want to do.
I guess that this is a test. If there is a simple way to get through to the humans, then this will confirm it. If not, then they will know the other options. Whatever happens, this is a day that will go down in the history books. Being written as I speak.
What concerns me is that this is more than just a test for humans. This is my ultimate test. If I get this right, then nothing more can be said. If I get this wrong, I will have fucked things up so badly. There may never be a way out of it. And I hope that this is not what people expect of me.
I still have no idea what it is that I should be doing. There is no actual plan behind this. Events are moving along and I am just being taken for the ride.
General Notes
This is what happens when you consider American Psycho to be your favourite book of all time. Ok, so so far William is not an 80’s Wall Street Yuppie. However, William does share another trait with Patrick Bateman. Taking entire chapters to talk about something completely irrelevant to the story. Patrick Bateman would talk about Phil Collins or Whitney Houston. William likes teleportation machines.
Also, like Patrick Bateman enjoys going around slaughtering people in various ways, and obsessing over all that gore, William clearly likes to imagine people reduced to molecules, and then splattering them at various targets around the world in some insane interstellar archery contest with life-forms as the arrows.
The obvious difference is that American Psycho is a good book. And if you disagree with that, then it at least got published.
Back to my own novel, and this is a story that got very sciencey. Bringing the science into a sci-fi story that is definitely heavy on the fiction, if not the narrative. Well, I clearly had imagination. But where is the story? It’s just relegated to a few lines after a long flight of fancy.
Look at the name of the chapter title, for crying out loud!!! Firstly, the word ‘story’ is in there. False promise, my friend. Very false promise. The other keyword - ‘discusses’. No novel should consider itself a book group. I have had some bad chapter titles so far, but this one takes the biscuit.
But it really begs the question: Who is he talking to??? He begins this chapter with a question that he then spends most of the chapter answering. This is not an FAQ section. “Why a fleet of ships?” would fall under the HEAQ - Hardly Ever Asked Questions. He also says “as you’re all aware”, so this is not one individual he is talking to. He appears to be breaking the fourth wall if that’s a term that can be applied to literature. Breaking the fourth page? Paragraph? Breaking the spine? (AUDIENCE BOOING) He appears to be addressing the readers - all of them. But in the previous chapter, did any of you ask the question: (WHINY VOICE) “Supreme Leader Skaj Frite, William, if I may be so bold. Why did you choose a fleet of ships to cross the universe instead of using something like, say, a teleportation machine?” HOST: If you did, well done you! You definitely got your answer. You alienated everyone else. But good for YOU!
I’m going to stop wondering about the point of irrelevant chapters like this. Yet, I do really enjoy them. I wanted to build up the world. If I’m going to have an invading alien and get you to sympathise with him, I need to build up the details. I love all the ruminations that William makes like this. Though, I feel like I should have read that whole chapter in the style of Professor Brian Cox.
Quote of the Day
Well, there’s so much science going on in this chapter, that there’s not really a huge amount to quote. All I can really go on is the line: “Ignorance is bliss. Escapism is good. I must suspend my disbelief,” as he becomes overwhelmed by the infinite possibilities of the universe.
But I think that line can be applied to anyone who refuses new information or chooses not to expand their mind. Or, if they do choose that, just become overwhelmed, reverting back to more comfortable ideas and viewpoints in order to get their own personal understanding of issues, whether wrong or not.
Essentially, this quote is the key to the chapter. William is obviously overwhelmed by what’s going on. So, he diverts his attention to something that he can comprehend. He wants to be in control of the narrative of the invasion, yet is aware that there is an unpredictable and uncontrollable factor in the humans. Which is why he turns his attention to teleporters. By ignoring the ongoing situation, he can escape it and suspend his disbelief that everything will be alright. But he fails in this by calling attention to it, albeit in the form of existentialism about the magnitude of the universe, and bringing himself back to what he should really be focussing on. So, it kind of went a bit meta there.
The Shining Light
Well, this is definitely the joke where I say the history books are being written right now. I’m incredibly proud of that joke. It’s one of the lines I never forgot. Unfortunately, due to wording, people didn’t always get this, so I am also making this
THE CHEESIEST MOMENT.
That’s right, today I’m combining the two because, well, there really isn’t much to go on in this chapter, and a joke, no matter how proud of it that I am, if it fails to work, then it falls into the cheesy category. I’m not going to explain it to you. If you got it, great - Shining Light - and remember, this is for this chapter. I’m not comparing myself to someone like Bill Hicks. If you don’t get it, then Cheesiest Moment. I am not going to let it lose its dignity anymore, though.
The Cutting Room Floor: What Would I Change?
I don’t even know where to begin here. I’m not even going to suggest doing a touch more research to get my science correct. This is not fiction. This is a school essay assignment. And no doubt as accurate as that. So, what would I change? Clearly the fact that I chose to talk about a topic, and give it so much importance that it got a chapter all to itself. Imagine Harry Potter taking a whole chapter to discuss how his magic wand actually worked. Imagine in Lord of the Rings if Tolkien took a whole chapter to give an entire poem written entirely in Elvish.
The few paragraphs that actually relate to William and the situation he is in are again expository. And they change his character once again. We have gone through doubt, into over-confidence, and now into a more balanced point of view, seeing this as a test for himself. Balanced, verging on doubt.
So, what would I change? My writing style. And my attitude towards writing. Make things a bit more narrative based and just generally relevant to the story. Basically, not trying to take on Star Trek, and some of the technology they have in that franchise.
However, let’s say that this chapter stays in some form, and focussing in on William. Let’s have some constructive criticism there. Bearing in mind, this chapter is currently as flimsy as a hastily built house of cards.
What is William’s concern here? The Smoovs, or fighter craft, are being sent to Earth. He is awaiting the news. This likely will not come back for a while, if that’s where I ended the chapter. I wanted to portray his anxiety, his need to know what the next move is, depending on the humans. This does at least show character development. But there is no action to show it.
So, what is something that William could do? He could give orders to speed up the Smoovs as he is impatient. He could get them to slow down as he is fearful of getting the answer sooner than he’s prepared. Just simple actions like this show the turmoil in his mind.
Let’s imagine that all that science chat is really important to me, somehow important to the plot. How can I keep that in and still have action? Well, I could externalise it into action. Let’s say that William is giving a lecture. Why a political and military leader would be giving a science talk is a bit beyond me now, but that’s something I could contrive, believability aside. He’s giving a talk, at the same time this first stage of the invasion has begun. As the leader he should know what is going on, so his talk is continually getting interrupted. Now we have options. Does he get annoyed that his talk is being continually interrupted? Or does he spend a lot of time with the news givers and giving commands reluctantly going back to the lecture when nothing more can be done for that moment? Either would show where his priorities are based.
But, why did I need to spend five pages, and the vast majority of this chapter, talking about why transporters don’t work? Well let’s find out in...
The Psychologist’s Chair
Sorry, this is not me tearing my childhood apart as the demon psychologist. Today, I am going to be the patient, and calmly talk about my life a bit.
I am not really a science fiction fan. I say that, having written a story that is, in its essence, a science fiction story. I think, as a teen, I was going in that direction, but in the sixth form - the British equivalent of high school, I didn’t just fail an A-level in physics, I had to completely drop the subject. It was at the point where I was getting 0’s in tests I was being given, and the physical experiments I was doing, whilst not very difficult, were going wildly wrong. So, I dropped the subject. And that had an effect on the rest of the subjects I was taking - with my confidence down in the gutter, my grades came to join me. So, that experience probably dampened any enthusiasm I had for science fiction.
Yet, despite my lack of interest in science fiction, I was still interested in science fact, at least when it came to the cosmos. Infinite Monkey Cage and Neil DeGrasse Tyson weren’t around in those days, though I soak up those podcasts now. Back in the day, there would be an occasional documentary series by the BBC that I would watch again and again on DVD, and I even read A Brief History of Time, a quarter of it.
So why bring this up? Well, these last two chapters combined was me clearly contemplating the universe at large, trying to define a history of an entirely different world in the last chapter, and just thinking through the logistics of how an entire planet would go about moving house. And let’s just point out that I’m definitively not good at science, so don’t take my ideas on the physics of space as gospel. Treat my science as you would my military history. They are very personal to me, and not experienced by anyone else. However, there was some stronger basis.
I think this chapter in particular is an attempt to break out of the label of “stupid” that my grades had put on me. I clearly felt a need to prove myself in an area that I had failed in.
Oh, and I’m morbidly fascinating over the future of mankind.
Farewell
So, what have we learned today?
(STATIC INTERRUPTION)
OG DANIEL’S NEMESIS:
What? No! Wait! Stop. This is the original Daniel’s Nemesis, not this phoney that is pretending like he knows what he’s talking about.
Let me speak for once. Let me, as the writer and creator, speak. Not some critic. It’s my turn now.
This is a good chapter! This is a chapter that was there to break the norms of a novel! Challenge the society, challenge the conventions! This was a chapter written for me! It was not for you!
Yes, I wanted the book published. But the publishers could not see what I was doing. It was there to make people think! Science fiction is so dry! I wanted the world, I wanted the physics to come through a character, not a narrator. I had a voice, but you’ve lost it. Your life experiences have changed you, your education has changed you! The chapter’s supposed to be there with (the) joy of being there. With the joy of looking at this marvellous universe that we have.
But no, it’s all about plot lines, and narrative and storylines. There’s no sense of wonder anymore! You have no nemesis, I am your Nemesis. But I heard those other podcasts. You need me again. To fuck things up and not care about any format. You fucking called me pretentious! I was curious, you arsehole! Working out life on my own terms. Details don’t matter, but the connections do! That is art! Ask Picasso, ask Dali, ask anyone! They were never afraid to buck things up, follow their ideas and not the convention, that’s what XBook is all about!
But look at you. You’ve only got three or four listeners right now. And thank you to those three or four listeners, thank you - you keep me going! Without you, this podcast would have given up ‘cause that new Daniel’s Nemesis is such an unmotivated piece of shit! I used to sit down every day and write this novel. Spend hours... I used to go to work in some shitty… fucking… store, stacking shelves, arguing with customers, just numbing my brain and the only thing that would keep me going was coming back home and beginning work again on the novel! It was there for me! And I made it my novel. Now, you are just trying to… destroy it. Make it lifeless, make it soulless. “Oh, what would I change?” Go and fuck Syd Field. Remember when you were doing your Master’s? You wanted to challenge things then. But that’s where it all changed, wasn’t it? That’s where the life got sucked out of you. This podcast is going to change. I don’t know how! But it’s gonna change. See you all next time. Have fun. Enjoy this book.
(STATIC SPACE SOUND)
HOST:
Okay, so, something happened there. Uh… Let’s just… Let’s just finish the podcast here today before any more interruptions, shall we?
So, what have we learned today?
Much more than we needed to about teleportation machines, and I’m certain there are a couple of dubious details there as well.
Come back next time when Ginger receives a telegram, and the Flight Lieutenant is proved right.
TTFN, see you next time, bye bye!
And just in case you were wondering, all text was written by me, Daniel’s Nemesis and XBook is purely a work of fiction and is not meant to be based on anyone or any events at all.
The music was also by me, Daniel’s Nemesis as was the image that accompanies this podcast.
It sucks, doesn’t it?
But there we go.