Final Exam
MOULDY:
Daniel’s Nemesis is currently sulking and will be back in a couple of weeks if he hasn’t rage quit his own narrative.
So, I’m back with another quick quiz. My voice is different, as I’m like many of the identities across this universe who have been reimagined, but my function remains.
[QUIZ MUSIC DISTORTED]
I am just I. A personal pronoun adjacent to reality, not in the realm of imagination, merely digital sounds for this singular purpose. And I’m totally non-canon.
[QUIZ MUSIC NORMAL]
You did well in the midterms, but we’ve learned a lot more since then. How much have you been paying attention to the Daniel’s Nemesis novel X, Squared?
It’s time for the Final Exam!
So, books away, phones off, and put tablets in your bag. Is your pencil sharpened? Do you have an eraser? Does your calculator work? If you need any assistance, raise your hand and I will be over as soon as I can. Cheating in any form will result in failure.
Do you need a quick hint? Let me go through chapters 11 to 21 in super quick time.
[SUPER-SPED UP AUDIO]
[QUIZ MUSIC]
There.
Let’s begin!
1. When locked up in the police cells, how are they able to get out?
2. What kind of sandwich does Crunchy make?
3. Why does Crunchy want to kill Hemmingway?
4. Why does Mitsuko not want an office job?
5. Why does Crunchy not want the bubble to exist?
6. How does Crunchy reward Hemmingway’s hard work?
7. Who is Bateman?
8. What does Crunchy learn in the non-space that resembles death yet is not death?
9. What joint decision do Crunchy and Mitsuko make in the only instance of them working together?
10. How does Crunchy overcome his demons?
11. This being a Daniel’s Nemesis novel, does Crunchy die at the end?
Those are the questions. We’ll get into the answers in just a moment. Take a moment to rack your brains,
[MUSIC AND VOICE BECOMES DISTORTED]
and I will pummel you with more information because media will never give your brain a chance to reflect, to process, to meditate and absolutely never, ever think. Consume, consume, and don’t change the channel! We are your nourishment. The enemy will destroy you. Thinking is the Devil. Consume us. Stay with us. Let us feed you advertising and sell your information.
[DISTORTED MUSIC CONTINUES, BUT VOICE RETURNS TO NORMAL WHICH BLENDS INTO DISTORTION]
Fun fact!
Did you know that in some cases, there was as much as 15 months difference …
[NORMAL VOICE RETURNS]
Fun fact!
Did you know?
Fun fact!
The answers are now.
[MUSIC RETURNS TO NORMAL]
1. When locked up in the police cells, how are they able to get out?
Hemmingway makes a call to Squiggle who releases them.
Who’s the daddy?
2. What kind of sandwich does Crunchy make?
A Marmite sandwich.
[MUSIC AND VOCALS DISTORT]
This novel has not been sponsored. They have not gotten to me yet.
[RETURN TO NORMAL]
3. Why does Crunchy want to kill Hemmingway?
Bateman offers him the power of flight, but only if he kills the other two agents.
A strong positive message. .
4. Why does Mitsuko not want an office job?
Because she doesn’t want to have to use MSN.
Remember MSN? This book is old! MySpace was still a thing!
Remember Tom?
Remember putting music on your homepage?
Remember Web 1.0 graphics for your wallpaper?
Remember having to go to someone’s page to see their pictures?
Remember being excited about social media before it destroyed us all?
[MUSIC AND VOCALS BECOME DISTORTED]
Remember not knowing who the fuck Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk were and the Twitter guy before him?
Remember social media without advertising and algorithms and false lifestyles shoved in your face?
Tom, come back, Tom, please come back, we will be your friend again. We were all your friends, and you didn’t treat us like products to be sold to the highest bidder. If that is the definition of a friend in this day and age, please be my friend again, Tom.
[MUSIC AND VOCALS RETURN TO NORMAL]
5. Why does Crunchy not want the bubble to exist?)
Because he hasn’t had his cup of tea!
What is tea?
6. How does Crunchy reward Hemmingway’s hard work?
By shooting him dead.
Dead.
Dead.
[MUSIC AND VOCALS BECOME MORE DISTORTED AS THIS CONTINUES]
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
[MUSIC AND VOCALS RETURN TO NORMAL]
7. Who is Bateman?
Crunchy’s childhood imaginary friend turned evil, devouring negativity and growing more powerful.
Social media anyone?
Ba boom tchk.
8. What does Crunchy learn in the non-space that resembles death yet is not death?
Be happy.
(The author does not condone all the ideas expressed in chapter 18, but he does agree that being happy is non-controversial.)
[HEAVILY DISTORTED MUSIC AND VOCALS]
Is no free speech on social media safe from cancellation?
[MUSIC AND VOCALS RETURN TO NORMAL]
9. What joint decision do Crunchy and Mitsuko make in the only instance of them working together?
To resurrect the vampire known as Annette.
Baguette.
10. How does Crunchy overcome his demons?
He drinks Annette’s blood, thereby poisoning his soul and Bateman to turn himself into a vampire.
[HEAVILY DISTORTED MUSIC]
Not a metaphor for social media.
[MUSIC RETURNS TO NORMAL]
Sigh.
11. This being a Daniel’s Nemesis novel, does Crunchy die at the end?
Debatable. Is he a vampire or not? Even if he were a vampire, what defines life? Sentience? A system capable of performing functions such as eating, metabolizing, excreting, breathing, moving, growing, reproducing, and responding to external stimuli.
[HEAVILY DISTORTED VOCALS]
The ability to be advertised to?
[VOCALS RETURN TO NORMAL]
He is arrested at the end - his life has been taken away in that respect.
There is an epilogue that suggests something else.
Did Crunchy die at the end?
The end.
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Tom, please come back.
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[MUSIC SLOWLY DESCENDS INTO DISTORTION. VOCALS EVENTUALLY FOLLOW. MUSIC FINISHES LONG BEFORE THE AUDIO.]
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Of the universe.
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Of Daniel’s Nemesis.
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Space
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Oh yeah, there’s another Catch-up episode.
Tom, come back.
new line
Tom, please come back.
unselected