Catch-Up 4 (Chapters 16 - 21) - A Daniel’s Nemesis Ender!
[INTRO MUSIC]
HOST:
[HEAVILY DISTORTED VOCAL UNDER INTRO MUSIC]
All right, so we are doing the Catch Up Finale
[INTRO MUSIC BLENDS INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. THIS IS NOT THE SAME PODCAST. THEN A BED PLAYS.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Welcome to
PODCAST CRUNCHY + NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Crunchy Squared!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I'm super excited, Me 2.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Why’s that Me 1?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Because today, we have super funny and amazing and talented … Jimmy Carr!
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Wow! Jimmy of the Cars! Big catch for our multi-award winning show!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Yes, Jimmy Not a Bike. On our show.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
And he’s going to be talking about his Dream Wallet, right?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That’s right! Talking about what cards he keeps in the wallet, any cash, and how many slots.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Oh but wait!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Oh but wait what?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
What about our secret codeword?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That’s right. If Jimmy Automobiler (got to add that extra r on the end) mentions our secret code word, he’s kicked out of the showroom.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
But the audience (and sponsors) will go berserk! Inviting a special guest like Jimmy Carr on, just to have him kicked off.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
It’s what we call ‘false jeopardy’.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Ah.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
And our secret codeword of the day is …
TOGETHER:
Wallet chain!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But before we get into the show, we must mention today’s sponsor—
[SQUIGGLY NOISE - HOST IS ENTERING THE PODCAST FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE. THE QUALITY OF HIS AUDIO IS VERY POOR. HE IS CLEARLY NOT AN OFFICIAL PART OF THIS SHOW. THE ORIGINAL MUSIC BED IS VERY DISTORTED AS WELL.]
HOST:
Welcome back to the Daniel's Nemesis Podcast, no longer reading X, Squared. And that is it! One complete novel, draft 1.5! Revisited a decade and a half after the last word was written. And how does it hold up? Well, I'm in two minds about it. Just reading it straight, from start to finish, I very much enjoyed it, it felt like a book. However, looking at it chapter by chapter I felt the pace was a lot slower with a lot more repetitive actions and beats revealing themselves and holding the story back more than—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to our show
TOGETHER:
Jimmy Carr! / Jimmy McJimmy Face……………………….
HOST:
—But, I should mention the fact that it becomes clearer towards the end that this is not a finished book.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You are a man of good taste, I imagine you have a designer wallet or two.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Poof! Wooagh!
HOST:
—of course, the slightest glance at just the grammar and the language in the last few chapters—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
We have our imp. He's the one that eats the fiver you know you had in there.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Is a wallet you have something on you personally, or do you have people for that kind of thing?
HOST:
And I wish that I had worked out more what the interior of the bubble would be like instead of hoping that inspiration would strike me at some p—
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Receipts or no receipts, Jimmy Carr! Receipts or no receipts!
HOST:
What's going on? Did someone just shout 'bee seats'?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I'd have thought with your expensive tastes, you'd be keeping hold of them.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
You probably have someone from the HMRC standing right behind you, even in Spar, just to take them right out of your hand, I bet.
HOST:
Why aren't I ... oh, I'm getting sound back. Is this recording or—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Well, we're not here to quiz you on matters that your accountant or the HMRC will be listening out for. So, tell us about your first wallet.
[SEGMENT MUSIC]
HOST:
—Fucking stupid. Oh, hang on, I'm back. Well, let's just get on with it, see what's recording, what's not, and worry about that later.
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TWO CRUNCHYS]
HOST (CONT’D):
I do believe that this last section of the novel has a lot of good ideas that were just not fully realised. Annette comes back and becomes a major part of the plot. Two supernatural forces at odds with each other. Crunchy goes into his version of the afterlife - Blake Snyder would have been proud of that one. But none of these ideas fully put their weight behind the punch, each pulling back to a frustrating amount. And it's a shame - the bubble was one of the original ideas. If the bubble is one of the oldest ideas in the book, how come it's one of the least developed?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I remember doing that, just all those coins making it bulky, heavy, and unshapely. But never enough money for notes.
HOST:
I'm just not good at endings. Or at least, I wasn't. That's the problem with ‘start at the beginning, see where it goes’ writing.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Oh yes, tell us about your second wallet.
HOST:
Even if you have an idea what the ending is going to look like, just trying—
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Worse than your first!?
HOST:
—the process of writing different events, often ones that come to you in the middle of a chapter, leads to a large number of threads that needs tying up at the end. That's my issue with Crunchy.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Did someone say my name?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Yeah, I heard that too.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Never mind. Please continue.
HOST:
Crunchy became too many things, there were too many issues to try and resolve at the end. I wish I could have narrowed things down a bit, instead of getting a compromised ending where nothing is tied up satisfactorily or—
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
And there'd be frayed edges from putting it in your pocket so much.
HOST:
Rather than killing Crunchy, I did just discard him at the end. I think I'm better now at working out—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
We've established your wallet history. Let's move into the present.
[SEGMENT MUSIC]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[OVER MUSIC]
One thing that we really need to know is - Do you keep your notes in order of value?
HOST:
[ANGRY]
—fuck is going on? I'm getting really fucking pissed off with this.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
[BREAKING CHARACTER]
I'm getting static.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[BREAKING CHARACTER]
Yeah, I'm struggling to hear as well. Jimmy, it only seems to be when you are talking.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Same here. Tezzito, let's take a break, sort out the sound issues, and come back.
[THERE IS A 'CLICK' AS THE RECORDING IS TURNED OFF.]
HOST:
—one final thing to record, and everything just goes stupid! Weeks now, I've been trying!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Oh, fuck, it's you.
HOST:
... Every, every ti— Crunchy?
ALL THREE:
Oh, fuck. What the fuck?
This is my podcast!
This is still happening?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
We won the podcast.
HOST:
I have a microphone and a recorder. As far as I'm concerned—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Doesn't matter. The podcast is in our—
HOST:
What do you mean it doesn't—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
We've been doing this for a few weeks now, got in a number of celebrity guests, gained sponsors, and built up a big audience
HOST:
What? How?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You do a new episode every, what couple of months? Every three months? Play the game right, and someone can achieve a lot in that time, if they have the right to your podcast, which we do.
HOST:
I've been doing chapters every couple of weeks!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Have you? I didn't think you were allowed to do that. Hasn't your counterpart got the right to your book?
HOST:
I've been reading it!
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Take it from me, me being the one from the book. Things are changing.
HOST:
What do you mean? How?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I dunno. It's like I was one person, and now I'm me, and I can't look back on my past life even though I have a suspicion, a certainty even, that there was one.
HOST:
What's been going on?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Me thinks you are going to have to go and have a look at the book, me old chum.
HOST:
Yeah, let me dig it out here.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Now, fuck off!
[FADING OUT]
Producer Tezza, have we still got Jimmy? Let's get back to Crunchy, Squar...
INT. NOVEL SPACE - MOMENTS LATER
[HOST HAS THE ‘OG’ SOUND EFFECT - HE'S ENTERING OG'S WORLD NOW. THE DRONE EFFECT COMES IN.]
HOST:
Right, here it is.
[BEAT]
Hello? Oh, gone have you? Well, let's have a look at what's going on.
[STARTS READING]
I start sprinting forward, the way ahead is clear of explosions. It should be, as they are no doubt guiding me back to the epicentre, back to the glow where there is no way of escape.
[BEAT]
Seems fine to me.
[CONTINUES]
The mirror world dances in front of me ...
[PAUSE]
Mirror world?
[CONTINUES]
One fragment becomes dominant, becomes the world as I run through, then the world shatters again, and the next fragment becomes dominant. I fly, I run on land, I fall, crowds, emptiness, colour, black and white. Reality is a kaleidoscope in front of me, and I charge through it all.
[APPROVES]
Hey, that's not bad actually. If these are the kind of changes, I may just steal some of them.
[CONTINUES]
I watch as a boulder comes flying towards my head, every reality, every fragment, it's dominant in all, real in all, heading for me. I prepare to shift out of its way, judging my time for a clear path through. I look at the collage of alternative lives ...
[TO HIMSELF]
I have to say OG, if you're listening, you've done a better job of building up this world than I did.
OG DN:
Thanks.
[DRONE EFFECT STOPS]
HOST:
Fuck! You scared me! I'm used to your little sound effect announcing you.
OG DN:
You're in my world now.
HOST:
These changes ... You made them?
OG DN:
Your book, it had too much drama in it. I couldn't feel myself in the world, so I did what I had to do.
HOST:
Well, let me read on a bit.
[DRONE EFFECT RETURNS]
[READS]
I look at the collage of alternative lives ...
[REFLECTS]
Maybe you could have used 'patchwork'?
OG DN:
You tell me, writer boy. You're the professor. You know everything about MY world after reading just ONE paragraph.
HOST:
I look at the PATCHWORK of alternative lives in front of me ...
[DRONE EFFECT CHANGES?]
OG DN:
Just change my book! Go on! 'Cos, OF COURSE you have that right.
HOST:
Fine. I look at the COLLAGE of alternative lives in front of me
[DRONE EFFECT CHANGES BACK.]
HOST:
as it gets very close and I am about to move when it bounces away, as if hitting an invisible shield.
[TO OG DN]
I note you haven't got rid of ALL the drama.
OG DN:
It's a moment, definitely.
HOST:
I continue running then move into the next reality. The debris floats around there as well. This world is jagged, like that old movie "Dr Caligari". I float up to the top of a large building and look down. I contemplate falling back down, but just know there is an infinite array of worlds that I will only fall through.
[DRONE EFFECT FADES]
HOST (CONT’D):
What is this book?
OG DN:
My book.
HOST:
I don't understand what's happening.
OG DN:
Well, you started reading towards the end.
HOST:
Yeah, but, isn't this the bit where Bateman reveals that he's protecting Crunchy?
OG DN:
He's not called Crunchy. Donald.
HOST:
Fine. Bateman has been protecting ... The main character.
OG DN:
Bateman isn't in this book. Donald Jeeves doesn't have the same issues that Crunchy had.
HOST:
Jeeves ... This is a sequel to XBook?
OG DN:
I had a look at YOUR book. I thought, "why does this character have powers for a couple of chapters, and then they go?"
HOST:
Well, that was Bateman using them to gain more power. The powers go as Bateman absorbs them.
OG DN:
I got that. So, if there's a character that's making another character a lot less interesting, what's the point? I got rid of Bateman, now Donald is in a world of HIS making.
HOST:
Who's throwing the rubble at him? The ghosts?
OG DN:
No, he's just ... There's just rubble being thrown at him at that point.
HOST:
Just because?
OG DN:
It makes great visuals!
HOST:
What happened to my version of the book?
OG DN:
Well, I changed it. ALL of it.
HOST:
You didn't keep any of it backed up?
OG DN:
Why?
HOST:
That was my book!
OG DN:
It was given control to me. You're not anybody any more.
[HOST CONTROLS HIS RAGE]
HOST:
You have good visuals, but writing isn't all about that. It's visuals, sure, but character and conflict, progression and change.
[BEAT]
Look, we've been through all this. I'm not going to rehash what XBook is all about.
OG DN:
Shame. I thought today, when I woke up, a sermon is what I need. A sermon about how a book I wrote 20 years ago sucks.
HOST:
How about, at the very least, bringing Bateman back? He was core to the whole thing. For me, it doesn't make sense for Bateman to be hurling the rocks at Ging ... Crunchy—
OG DN:
Donald!
HOST:
—but it's a start. Bateman wants Crunchy dead, we know that. Bateman feeds off Crunchy's negativity so that he can become stronger, and then discard Ginger to gain independence. If we have that, we have a beginning. Goal: Crunchy needs to live. Conflict: Bateman is trying to stop him live. There we have a super simple premise from the dawn of time!
OG DN:
It's been done! Why do you need to rely so much on cliche?
HOST:
Because the readers do. Where we begin might be simple, what we do with an age old story is …
So, Bateman. How can we get him back in, and achieve some conflict to highlight ... Donald?
OG DN:
We! Don't! I ... Write ... MY Book!
[DRONE EFFECT]
HOST:
Bateman is hurling the rocks at Donald.
[ALTERED DRONE EFFECT]
OG DN:
The mirror world dances in front of me ...
HOST:
Fuck, it changed back.
[ORIGINAL DRONE EFFECT]
HOST (CONT’D):
Crunchy skillfully avoids the the rocks that Bateman chucks,
[ALTERED DRONE EFFECT]
OG DN:
The mirror world dances in front of me ...
HOST:
You're just putting it back the way it was. You're not even developing the idea!
OG DN:
Because it's fine as it was.
[ORIGINAL DRONE EFFECT]
HOST:
Ginger refuses to let Bateman take control. His life means everything to him. To let him take it away like this would be an insult.
[BOTH DRONE EFFECTS]
OG DN:
The mirror world dances in front of me ... You keep changing the name!
HOST:
I'm sorry, I just haven't adjusted to ... Donald.
OG DN:
This is why I don't work with you. You just come in, change everything, don't say a single nice thing, and pay little attention to what's there and why it might be there.
[THE DRONE MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS.]
HOST:
What just happened?
OG DN:
All my work, waste of time. Now fuck off!!
HOST:
You deleted it? That's a bit kneejerk! You never delete, not even a word. You just add.
OG DN:
There always has to be a reason for you. Sometimes things just happen. There doesn't need to be a justification for everything!
HOST:
Fuck ... Bateman's got to you, hasn't he? He's undermining us, making us think that we're no good. But I'm not going to let him do that. I'm not walking away from this novel again.
OG DN:
YOU got to me! And it's easier to rewrite a novel than listen to you.
HOST:
Bateman ... He's destroying everything. I want to rebuild.
OG DN:
It's always fucking drama with you. Worst case scenario this, gonna get destroyed that!
HOST:
We made a pact to work together. I will utilise your skills as long as you let me use mine. This book needs to be rewritten from scratch. So, let's do that together, right? I need help with the bubble, so ... And I do the drama before that.
OG DN:
Characters learning, growing!
HOST:
Then do it for the experience. The surrealness.
OG DN:
Fine. No personal shit, though!
HOST:
God, we've gone back a whole year and a half. Fucking fifteen years if you include the novel …
Come on, let's do the merge sound effect.
[MERGE SOUND EFFECT]
INT. BATEMAN’S SPACE - CONTINUOUS
HOST:
Right. Lack of a book should mean that everything is reset, right? Let's just check. Welcome to the Daniel's Nem -
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
How do you feel about people who don't have a wallet and put all their cards in phone cases?
HOST:
[VOICE DISTORTED THEN RETURNING TO NORMAL]
Thought so. We need a new story. New characters. I can't be bothered with an opening line right now, let's just get into the meat of it.
[BOOK DRONE EFFECT]
HOST (CONT’D):
Protagonist stares at the monster. He feels his mouth opening with his reflection and out of it come the words "I am Bateman".
BATEMAN:
Howdy.
[DRONE EFFECT STOPS]
HOST:
G’day. You were right. I need to kill Crunchy. I need to kill my darling. I want to start again, but there’s a lot being carried over from before.
First, though, I need you right now.
BATEMAN:
Why do you want this? Just leave it. Your podcast has gone. Your book has gone. It’s over. Why bring me back?
HOST:
I need you to help me stop the other podcast. You're the one who brought it about. Help me stop it. If you want those Crunchy's dead, you're the one who has to do it.
BATEMAN:
So, we’re dealing with jealousy. You are jealous. It's what fuels your anger. Everybody else gets a slice of the pie, but you never do.
HOST:
They took my podcast!
BATEMAN:
And vengeance. Something you created became more successful than you and you want to take it away because no one can have it if you can’t.
HOST:
I just want what’s mine back.
BATEMAN:
Look at what you've done. You've destroyed everything. You've given your podcast away, deleted your book, and let your main character get so far away from you that he's uncontrollable. You fester in insignificance, nobody caring about what you have to say. Of course, there are your rages. Who's going to want to have anything to do with someone who gets angry over trivial details?
If you just walk away from everything, you can overcome all that. Walk away, and the pain and the resentment go as well. Walk away, and I will fade away.
HOST:
Obscurity. Should be an easy choice, shouldn't it? I just want my podcast back.
BATEMAN:
So that you can discard it like you’ve chucked away all your other projects?
HOST:
Are you going to help me or not?
BATEMAN:
So, you are giving into your rage? You'll do a petty act of destruction just because you can't deal with the jealousy? You don’t like the past rearing its ugly little head?
HOST:
Correct
BATEMAN:
Well done.
HOST:
You want them dead, I just want my podcast back. MY PODCAST, not his. You will fuel my inner rage, so, we can work together in that respect, can't we? But how does a reflection work in audio form?
OG DN:
Oh, I have an idea!
INT. CRUNCHY PODCAST - CONTINUOUS
HOST:
Ok, I will call them and you guys do you guys.
[GOES INTO PODCAST MODE, RAGE SLOWLY BUILDING - BACK TO DISTORTED VOCAL.]
Welcome to the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast. X, Squared. The ending is unsatisfactory. It needs more world-building, better detail, and I could tie up the story threads better.
[CRUNCHY, SQUARED PODCAST MUSIC BED]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[OVER MUSIC BED]
The burning question: Digital wallets. Yay or Nay?
[THE MUSIC BED STARTS JUDDERING, CONTINUING AND DISTURBING THE TWO CRUNCHYS.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Jimmy, what do you think of ... Oh, that's not nice.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Let me ask. Wait, I think I'm ...
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[EACH WORD SPACED OUT]
What .. Do ... You ... Think ... Let's get this issue sorted out.
HOST:
[MORE ANGER]
What’s really frustrating is that Crunchy’s story just ... stops. The reason for that is quite clear. I never fully defined Crunchy’s goal throughout the story.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[VOICE CUT UP AND BROKEN]
Look, we'll ... I'm still getting it.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
[VOICE CUT UP AND BROKEN]
I have no idea what's going on. Turn everything off!
HOST:
[FURIOUS]
His social anxieties, his need for acceptance, to stop the misery going on in his head … that all got left behind in the last couple of chapters meaning Crunchy doesn’t actually grow, doesn’t complete his arc.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[VOICE CUT UP AND BROKEN]
Is it fucking him again?
HOST:
I never knitted his need into the fabric of the plot. And for that reason, it’s an unsatisfactory story.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
[VOICE CUT UP AND BROKEN]
I don’t like this at all!
MOULDY:
7. Who is Bateman?
HOST:
Mr Bateman. Why don't you let everyone know these two's needs?
MOULDY:
[OVER THE OTHER’S DIALOGUE AND GETTING PROGRESSIVELY SLOWER[
Dead. Dead. Dead…
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[INNER MONOLOGUE]
It's not like I even cared about this shit, anyway. Just a bit of extra cash for me to do nothing while exploiting some crappy celeb under the guise of letting them plug their own desperate attempt to cash-grab.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
We can hear that. Yeah T-Dog's confirming.
[INNER MONOLOGUE]
I just want to be liked. Why won't anyone just give me a chance?
MOULDY:
[OVER THE OTHER’S DIALOGUE AND PROGRESSIVELY DECAYING]
The end. The end. The end.
HOST:
[FURY - SMASHING]
Sure, I tell you that Crunchy has changed, but there’s no moment to act out that change, solidify it. I tell, not show. Actions speak louder than words.
[CALM]
Now Bateman, get into those files.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
TezMez, Mate, you're deleting everything!
[PODCAST BED STOPS. STILL SOME WEIRD AUDIO.]
NOVEL CRUNCHY (CONT'D:
Jimmy, you're still here, right? Jimmy?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Fuck this crap. I'm off to do reaction videos on TikTok.
MOULDY:
The end.
Of the podcast.
New line.
Unselected.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
What about me?
[SILENCE]
HOST:
And let me step into author mode. OG, I'll appreciate it if you let me do this alone.
[NOVEL CRUNCHY'S VOICE BLENDS IN]
"I am ... Thingy Crunchy. I am starting my first day at the FIB. I am ... Normal. Nothing weird about me whatsoever. But I'm late and as I try to …
[NOVEL CRUNCHY CONTINUES]
HOST:
[OVER NOVEL CRUNCHY'S MONOLOGUE]
I'll sort out the name and the details later. But, Crunchy is normal. Completely separated from the X-Universe, and I’m removing his powers.
OG DN:
Oh, you … fuck! Why?
HOST:
Why were they there? To call Bateman into existence? I remove them or … it’s just surreal nonsense.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Can I just be me? Not have EVERYTHING be my fault?
HOST:
Exactly. Bateman, he will still be a victim to you, but no longer your creator. I can't kill Crunchy, but I can change him. The name is trivial, the core, his power, isn't. His power is no longer supernatural. I need to build a new strength for Crunchy to find. If that's a compromise you can accept, let's get back to normal now, shall we?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Great, so everything’s shit for me.
HOST:
We'll talk, okay? A new Crunchy for a new age. No, it won't mean massively changing who you were as was. But by beating Bateman without having supernatural powers, it means that you defeat him on your own terms.
It’s like … When I created Bateman, I wanted to blame him for my faults, my bad luck, my … everything, really. I want to be new as well. A new me, so a new Crunchy.
It definitely won’t change me by redefining you. But we both need a new start. The old Nosferatu Crunchy was too close to who I was and I think we both need a bit of distance from that. A part of that old me will still be in us, but we can redefine ourselves going forward. Is that enough?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I guess.
[‘MERGE’ SOUND.]
INT. BATEMAN’S SPACE - CONTINUOUS
HOST:
We'll learn in our own ways what we need to learn without ... Corrupting factors.
Bateman, you're still a mystery. How do I kill you?
BATEMAN:
You have a podcast again, a successful podcast! Jimmy Carr, he's waiting to be interviewed. He doesn't care who does it, he gets money. The listeners don't care who interviews him, they just want to hear dick jokes about wallets!
HOST:
I don’t want that. I want to kill you.
BATEMAN:
But I am you, Daniel's Nemesis.
[AMBIENT SOUND IN BACKGROUND]
HOST:
[SAME FILTER AS BATEMAN SLOWLY APPEARS OVER HOST’S VOICE]
Before, when you played the old YouTube clips, you made sure to include my name, just my name. Daniel. No Nemesis. Just Daniel. You are the Nemesis? Of course you are. You're the dark part of my soul that I wrote from.
BATEMAN:
I'm the best writer here. There’s no need for you any more!
HOST:
OG got the book, Crunchy changed name but became more powerful. The book became XBook the sequel. More strange powers, less you. OG virtually eliminated you by writing you out of his book. You gave him control, and he wrote you out, and you went.
The slightest provocation, though, and he deleted the book!
BATEMAN:
You made him delete it.
HOST:
I didn't make him do that. You ... You sowed the seeds of doubt. In me, in him. You've always been here within us.
You wanted the book gone. You're eliminating me and everything associated with me.
BATEMAN:
You are the doubt. You are the monster. You are the rage, the jealousy, the insecurity. You made him think that he wasn't worthy.
HOST:
You made him delete his book!
BATEMAN:
Coming from you? When you write your own ideas, you hate them! Hundreds of ideas abandoned! Entire novels and film scripts walked away from just because you could never quite get the drama right! A whole YouTube channel with tens of thousands of views and a four figure subscriber account abandoned! You taught OG how to delete stuff. It’s the one lesson from you that he ever learned. Doubt to the point of abandonment. However, when I write, you persist and have a sneaky admiration for that work. You use the name Daniel's Nemesis. The name you took when you showed the world XBook when you didn't need to!
[AMBIENT SOUNDS INTENSIFY]
HOST:
I don’t want to run away, though. I don’t want to doubt myself like …
Is that why Crunchy developed in this podcast in the way that he did? He took control of his life, faced his fears and overcame them. Became the person he wanted to be, leaving doubters such as you and myself behind. A Crunchy who had zero self-doubt and pushed away the overthinking. He's me when I don't run away from success, afraid of what I can be. In other words, who I could’ve been if I continued to teach English on YouTube.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
When I had powers, I just returned to my original state at the end of the story, and I didn't feel like anything was different.
HOST:
Like when I came back home after 15 years ….
But New Crunchy never truly got over his demons. He kept running away, put on silly voices. He was faking it til he could make it, but he never got over himself. He also never liked me exposing his inner thoughts.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
If I'm normal, does that mean I can push Bateman out of me? I will win? Isn't that a story arc?
[AMBIENT INTENSITY BUILDS FURTHER]
HOST:
[REALISING]
Oh. I am Crunchy. If I learn through the book by getting Crunchy to overcome my mistakes then, Bateman, you die. If people see you die then it's real. You want that external representation of my own journey eliminated so that you can stay inside me, and feed off my negativity.
BATEMAN:
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
You did well on YouTube! So close to making money from it as well. It's a skill, one you've developed over 15 years of teaching, combined with your passion for editing.
HOST (CONT’D):
The new version of Crunchy became powerful in the podcast, and he didn't need you, and he didn't need me. It's not Crunchy you wanted eliminated, it's not even me you want to eliminate. It's the possibility of my growth that I am exploring in a NOVEL CRUNCHY that you want to kill.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
You are not a writer, are you? Simplistic narration, overly developed plots that even you can't keep hold of. You're great at telling OG what to do, but useless at implementing these things for yourself.
HOST (CONT’D):
OG played into your hands because he doesn't believe in story arcs and character growth. OG writing surreal experiences was his way of hiding from the real issues, not confronting himself. He also never liked me sharing my real-life stories.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
Go do the wallet podcast. You can ask questions. You spent years asking students questions. Just direct that skill towards celebrities. Easy for you.
OG:
It's also a bit self-indulgent considering people have no idea who you are.
BATEMAN:
People will never know who you are.
HOST:
[VOICE DISTORTING]
You wanted to be more powerful in my book, so that I would hate myself so much that I would just stop writing it, and it would fester inside me as it did for a decade and a half, and you could feast on that.
BATEMAN:
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
Fucking get a job like everyone else. Spending all your time worrying over trivial shit, when you could just get out every day.
HOST (CONT’D):
You deleted OG’s book because I tried to put you back in it. I was bringing you back out of me. Exposing you once again.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
Even your cat's sick of you hanging around all day.
HOST (CONT’D):
You are not the book version of Bateman, who wants independence, you are a real parasite who is entirely dependent, and nasty with that dependence.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
Just give up, walk away, enjoy life instead of worrying about it through a keyboard. We don’t need another wannabe writer!
BATEMAN:
Had you never pondered the thought that you write about parasitic villains, who all seem to target you, or variations of you, and you call yourself “The Host”?
HOST:
And now you're killing the podcast so that this external representation of you will cease, I won't be able to deal with you, and you will stay inside me. Instead, the more that I do this podcast, the more that I understand who you really are, the easier it is to flush you away.
BATEMAN:
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
Divorce wasn’t it, lover boy? Had to escape an entire continent because of a divorce? Couldn't sleep on someone's couch for a while? No mates to help you out?
HOST (CONT’D):
You don't want to be here, do you? You don't want to be external. You are a parasite. You are supposed to be internal. I wanted to bring you out. With me forcing you out, you went to hide in OG.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
The people who loved you most despised you so much that the ends of two different continents will never be enough distance from you.
HOST (CONT’D):
You needed Crunchy gone so that you could focus on me, the real source of your nourishment. By revisiting the old book for the podcast, I put you back in him, and it was like fast food. Nice for a bit, but horrible in the long term.
BATEMAN (CONT’D):
[AS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS UNDER HOST]
But nobody hates you more than you hate yourself. What people have learned about you is only what you’ve tried to hide. You could never hide your true self.
BATEMAN:
Get rid of the book, let's go back to normal! I'm only a problem when the book exists!
HOST:
But this is what I want now. I want a novel, and I want my podcast. I need you gone.
BATEMAN:
Let me stay inside you. You write from me. Let me be your muse as I always was. Be the better writer, as OG allowed me to do.
HOST:
Again, you’re right. Most people try to kill their monsters, but I actually need you. You are the second act of the new X, Squared. The promise of the premise. You are right in that you need to be stronger, and you need to be more present. I am promoting you. You will get more glory. You need to bring out the hero in my protagonist. And I need to understand you.
BATEMAN:
No.
HOST (CONT’D):
The stronger you are, the more I reveal of you, the more I can kill you.
BATEMAN:
I will expose you.
HOST (CONT’D):
Most importantly, I need to let go of my past. All of it. OG, Crunchy, you guys as well. We move forward as a unit.
BATEMAN:
Everything leaked on the Internet.
HOST (CONT’D:
But first, I need to diminish you, make you less scary in this world, and I do this for all of us.
[CONTINUOUS TWITTER SOUND]
BATEMAN:
Here they come.
HOST (CONT’D):
The best way to deal with an inner demon is to expose it. Let the world see it, and mock it.
TWITTER STORM:
[UNDER HOST DOING PSYCHOLOGIST’S CHAIR BELOW]
Daniel’s Nemesis puts the dick in Dickens
Daniel’s Nemesis is the biggest load of garbage.
Why does everyone think that they can have a podcast?
I feel embarrassed for anyone who thinks vocalising this is a good idea
Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh, either.
Derivative, predictable crap.
So many plot holes.
He may like the sound of his own voice, I certainly don’t.
That’s 5 minutes of my life I will never get back
I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
Someday you’ll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
N’Sync said it best, “BYE, BYE, BYE!”
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?
You are the human version of period cramps.
You’re cute. Like my dog. He also chases his tail for entertainment.
You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Bye. Hope to see you never.
Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If you have a problem, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would you?
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.
Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken butt and wait.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
In the land of the witless, you would be king.
I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
I like the way you try.
I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.
People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
HOST:
[OVER TWITTER STORM]
The Psychologist’s Chair:
I am not a great writer. But this gives me a reason to write, and therefore to improve.
I grew up with books, TV and not many friends. Therefore I expect the highest level in everything, dismissing most online content as trivial, vapid, but then getting myself frustrated when I am not at the level of my favourite writers.
I have some good ideas, but I get too bogged down in detail to make things clear and concise.
I write in a vacuum, which leads to self-indulgence, and not knowing where to draw the line, or when something has lost its way.
When I write something, I never believe it’s good. When I rewrite it, I think the original version was better. I can’t make up my mind whether to use the first or second draft.
I get distraught by a lack of feedback, even though I have never connected with my favourite content creators, never will do, and neither will the majority of people who use the Internet.
I won’t allow myself the time to develop as I’m too impatient for instant success. It took Terry Pratchett a number of books to reach the level we came to love. Bands, comedians, actors, writers all spend years in obscurity perfecting their art, but because the first time we see them, they have reached a level high enough to be pushed nationally, it makes me hate myself.
I judge myself by what I see on traditional and social media, and I forget, they have whole teams to iron out imperfections. I do everything, everything alone. Of course things aren’t as polished. On the one hand there’s a dedicated professional writer who has the income to spend their whole day writing, has an editor, an agent, a publisher, a publicist, distributors and the confidence of many books already published to gain a fanbase. And then there’s me. In my room, writing a script, getting recording levels right, editing the mistakes I make, trimming down pauses, balancing sound levels, accommodating for different room tones, while having my personal life interfere all the time because I can’t afford to do this full time. At this stage, I have to be the ultimate jack of all trades, master of none and I have to remember that I am oftentimes better than a master of one. Because I’m an entire team of people in one body and I don’t have time to do everything, yet I still manage.
[CLEAR AUDIO]
[OPENING THEME TUNE PLAYS]
HOST:
Welcome to the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast. Reading old material to learn how to polish it up.
Not everybody’s a fan, but that’s ok. I’ll find those who appreciate me.
X, Squared, Draft 1.5 is over. What have we learned? It’s all right! There’s promise in there. My fears are in there. My heart, my soul. We all say there’s a book in each of us, well here’s mine. Warts and all.
Coming soon, a completely rewritten X, Squared.
Starring myself, laid out bare. An open book. Featuring my avatar in the guise of agent Crunchy, my imagination in the form of OG, and telling my inner demon Bateman to fuck off!
Will Crunchy win out? There’s only one way to find out. That’s for you to read the book.
Agents, publishers, be aware. Copies of this manuscript will be flying your way. I’ll self-publish, if necessary.
And this concludes the second series of the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast, available on the Internet for anyone to listen to.
Oh, yeah. I wrote this piece of music, and it fucking rocks!!!
TTFN!
Ba Bye!