CATCH-UP 3 (CHAPTERS 11 - 15) -VENGE-FEST!!!!!!!!!!!
INT. PODCAST INTRO - DAY
[HOST IS PSYCHING HIMSELF UP, DOING VARIOUS TAKES OF THE INTRO, TRYING TO FIND THE ‘VOICE’ THAT HE LIKES.]
HOST:
Okay, so I’m doing the recording for the umm.. Catch up episode. I think it’s number 3, but erm …
[VARYING BETWEEN DIFFERENT STRENGTHS AND ENERGIES]
Welcome back to the—!
Welcome back to the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast.
Welcome Back.
Welcome back to the Daniel’s—
Welcome back to the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast.
Welcome Back—
[AMBULANCE SOUND IN DISTANCE]
Come on.
[INTRO MUSIC]
HOST (CONT'D):
[ENERGY, SHOUTING, FLAT]
Welcome back to the Daniel's Nemesis Podcast, catching up on X, Squared, chapters 11 - 15.
[AMBULANCE CONTINUES BY IN DISTANCE]
HOST (CONT'D):
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Fucking hell.
[INTRO MUSIC FINISHES.]
HOST (CONT'D):
[HIGH ENERGY]
This is Catch-Up Episode ... 4? (Hang on, wait 1-5 = 1, 6-10 = 2, 11-15.) Catch Up 3. [SIGHS] This is Catch Up number 4! 3! An in-between episode where we catch up with what's been happening in the story! There's only spoilers if you haven't been keeping up to date! Well, the story's getting interesting! By interesting, I mean—
[QUIZ SHOW MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE COMES IN UNDER THE MUSIC. IT’S A BIG AUDIENCE]
HOST (CONT'D):
— we watch the breakdown of the ...
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[AMERICAN VOICE]
Hello and welcome to Quiz, Squared, the quiz show devoted to novel X, Squared.
INT. BROADCAST STUDIO - DAY
[MORE APPLAUSE. THIS IS A POPULAR SHOW.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
I’m Crunchy, your question master and star of said book and of this very podcast.
I'll be asking our teams questions about the book, and don't worry about this being dry because my role here is to make sure that—
AUDIENCE:
It'll be a hoot!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[OVER CONTINUED AUDIENCE ENGAGED CLAPPING]
Joining me this week in our search to plumb the depths of this unpopular travesty are:
"He'll believe you", Emming A. Hemmingway.
And, completing Team 1, making his very welcome return ...
[SERIES 1 OG DN SOUND EFFECT]
[APPLAUSE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
"Likes to keep things private", OooooGggggggggggg DN!
[APPLAUSE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
On Team 2 are "More than just YOUR pretty face", Bateman and "Fun with
a gun", Mitsuko Nakagawa!
[APPLAUSE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
[OFFHAND AND REGULAR VOICE]
Finally, Person Playing Daniel's Nemesis and Novel Version of me on Team 3.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING. DUST BALLS.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
[BACK TO ENTHUSIASM]
We like to get our contestants to come up with Team names. It gives them false agency in this fictitious world designed to display their ignorance.
Team 1, what’s yours?
OG DN:
I've given this a lot of thought, and decided that we'll go with "Couldn't give a hoot!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
HEMMINGWAY:
[ASIDE]
I thought we were going to go with FIBbers.
OG DN:
[ASIDE]
It only works on paper.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Well, as the 'Hooters' squabble, let's find out from Team 2 what they are to be called!
MITSUKO:
We are going to be AGENTS OF CHAOS!
[MORE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But Mitsuko, aren't you always calm and serene?
[BIG LAUGH]
MITSUKO:
[UNCOMFORTABLE]
It's a cool name ...
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That it sure is, accurate as well.
[DROPPING ACCENT]
Team 3?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Umm …
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Couldn't have said it better myself!
[BIG LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
I haven't said what we are playing for yet.
Just like with superheroes, there are many who step up to take over a role when the previous person gets old or dies, and so Daniel's Nemesis is a title that has been held by many, well two. Their DNA may be the same, but time makes them very different people. As the current person playing Daniel's Nemesis gets old and irrelevant, it's time to freshen things up a bit.
Here at the quiz, we don't think that DNA should be the only factor deemed worthy of who gets to be the next Daniel's Nemesis. Each of our team captains is competing for that position.
So, Mr Bateman, if you win, how will you shape the role of Daniel's Nemesis?
BATEMAN:
Oh, well, you know me. I'm all about finding the inner potential within someone, helping them to come out of themselves. I mean, sure, there've been some people in distress, and I haven't been able to save them, but now I am more corporeal, I believe that I can do more.
I see here my fellow game players and how they have been abused by the person in the current Daniel's Nemesis position, and I want to be on their side. I want to make sure that no more harm comes to them, or any future characters.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
OG DN. You've been Daniel's Nemesis in the past, if you take back your true title, what will you do?
OG DN:
I've always stated that getting a degree changed the writing. What was once pure, unadulterated expression become clinical, if not cynical plotting, calculated to appeal to masses, not to open up the soul and be dream-like mind-scapes for the sake of being dream-like mind-scapes.
I would bring back the surrealism, after all we have a character who has all this potential, but the uncanny unrealness has been pushed to the side to allow events that further a narrative to take place. For me, images first. Story second.
Ultimately, writing my way is easier.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
And, Person Currently Playing Daniel's Nemesis.
HOST:
I ... Well. Put me on the spot, why don't you? I have some ideas to rewrite the book.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Just like you did with XBook?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[HOST SIGHS]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Oh No. Someone is looking a bit hurt.
HOST:
No, no. Have I ever had a podcast that hasn't been invaded and taken over in some pointless effort to have a go at me? I gotta say, though. Some budget has gone into this set. The background is what? All moments from the book but done in a newspaper style? Classy! Not to mention your gold jacket.
However, as I was saying, First I need to look back at the book, and delve into the structure, see what's not working and where I can—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Leeeet’s geeeet ooooon with the quiz!
[“READING” MUSIC PLAYS TO AUDIENCE CHEERS]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Round One.
I’ll read out a quote minus one keyword or phrase, The teams will fill in the 'mmm'. Audience, what is the 'mmm'?
AUDIENCE:
Blank!!!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That's right!
Bonus points if you can tell me which character it relates to.
For Team 1 or 'The Hooters', here's your first quote: “NO, BUT WE’VE BEEN PULLED OFF THE CASE, HAVEN’T WE? /mmm/. WHAT WAS THAT GOING TO ACHIEVE?
[HEMMINGWAY AND OG DN CONFER.]
HEMMINGWAY:
Hmm.. What was that going to achieve? What do you think that it?
OG DN:
I don’t know.
HEMMINGWAY:
It’s not like I’ve read the book, is it?
OG DN:
Don’t ask me. It changed since I came up with the concept.
HEMMINGWAY:
Well, we’ve got to come up with something. How about, ummm … Asking Crunchy. That always seems to be a bad idea, asking Crunchy. And, er, maybe me? I don’t know.
OG DN:
We think it's "asking Crunchy", and we think that it's Hemmingway here who said it.
[‘WRONG’ KLAXON]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Oh, not a good start for the Hooters, and, well, demonstrating that they couldn't give a ...
[DRUM FILL]
[LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
It was "smashing Mirrors" and it was Mitsuko who said it.
[CHUCKLING]
You've a smashing personality, don’t you?
MITSUKO:
I am lovely, and I like breaking shit as well.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Okay, let's ask the Agents of CHAOS.
Your quote is: "PROVE YOU’RE NOT THE CRAZY BITCH PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE. THAT WAY YOU MIGHT BECOME MY /mmm/.
BATEMAN:
Mummy. Fellini Bunuel.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Wow. No hesitation. And you are correct!
[“CORRECT” BUZZER]
MITSUKO:
Where is he? Fellini? Last I remember ... I'm not sure what I remember, actually. Something blue? Hemmingway, did we go to a wedding?
HEMMINGWAY:
No, we were … We were annoyed by Crunchy for some reason ...
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I ... London is about the best I can do.
MITSUKO:
Yeah, pissed off that you are in London. Makes sense.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Team Umm...
Your quote: "THE PERSON PLAYING DANIEL'S NEMESIS ONCE LOST
ALL OF /mmm/ CAUSING HIM TO MAKE THEM UP.
HOST:
That's not in the book!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Do you need me to give you the answer?
HOST:
Noo!!!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I have to give the answer! It's my job.
HOST:
Don't! Please!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Afraid the answer will get you cancelled?
HOST:
That's ... That's irrelevant.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
If you can't answer, then you will have to justify why you're main female lead is reduced to a mother stereotype.
HOST:
What? Why?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Daniel's Nemesis once lost all of his stud—
HOST:
Fine. I was planning to talk about this anyway. I don't know how well this works with the 'energy voice', but we can try.
[SHUFFLES PAPER]
[ENERGY VOICE]
There was comic intention behind Mitsuko being a mother. Take away gender and you have a [sadistic] gun-toting foul-mouthed narcissist.
MITSUKO:
Thanks!
HOST:
Take that figure, give them something precious to look after, which they then come to learn to appreciate, if not need, and you have basic story-telling. What’s the most precious thing in the world? A young, damaged child. Kind of like Newt in Aliens. And it’s not like Bunuel is a McGuffin, he is narratively very tied in to the story and he has purpose that can’t just be removed.
[QUICKLY AND FORCEFUL]
Yes, Mitsuko is a woman in a story that doesn’t have a lot of women, and she’s learning to be a woman in the most stereotyped vision of a woman that doesn’t involve becoming a slut.
[NORMAL]
BUT she’s not Dee Dee from XBook, and that at least is in my favour, surely?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Daniel's Nemesis there, afraid of what his small number of listeners might do if they learn a detail or two about him.
Well, is his justification enough for him to get away without answering the actual question? It's not for me to decide. Leeet's aaaask the audience!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
Not enough to save you, and you've cancelled yourself as far as I'm concerned! Boo to you! And minus five points for your long answer.
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND EFFECT]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
Other Crunchy, do you want to finish the quote for a chance at a bonus point? "THE PERSON PLAYING DANIEL'S NEMESIS ONCE LOST ALL OF /mmm/ CAUSING HIM TO MAKE THEM UP.
HOST:
Hey, that's not the rules! I did as you asked!
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Ummm ... His keys?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Lesser Me thinks that Writer-Boy had to make up his keys!
[“WRONG” KLAXON]
HOST:
[OVER PODCAST CRUNCHY]
La la la la!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Course grades. He made up loads of exam scores, homework scores, and attendance scores and gave those to students.
HOST:
My computer crashed! The night before grades had to be entered. It was only one set of scores, the midterms, that went missing. The rest was recovered fairly quickly. And I basically knew who was getting the As, Bs, and Cs ...
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Still nearly 200 hundred students out there with a faaalse graaade!
HOST:
They were bloody close! And no one complained! The least complaints I ever got, actually.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Minus 10 points for being a [BEEP] of a teacher!
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND EFFECT]
HOST:
This is not—
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Aaaalriiight, Round two!
[“READING” MUSIC]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Our second round is Madlibs. I’m going to take a passage, this time from the Novel X, Squared (Hey, it’s a super niche quiz, with only one resource - I’m being as creative as I can) and remove key words from the passage.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
I will get the contestants to choose various nouns, adjectives and verbs, and they will be inserted into the passage—
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
— given to them. Funniest completed passage wins.
[MILD APPLAUSE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Team 'Couldn't Give a Hoot', please choose five nouns, two verbs, two adjectives and one adverb. 'Agents of CHAOS', I want you to choose ten nouns, eight verbs, and one adjective.
[MILD SURPRISE FROM AUDIENCE]
MITSUKO:
Hey!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Yes, it’s unfair. One may say it's evil.
[LAUGHTER]
BATEMAN:
Oh, I see what you did there.
MITSUKO:
What, what did he do?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But it’s your creativity that counts. Team Umm... You get one noun. That noun is "blah"
[MORE LAUGHTER]
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
We don't even get a choice?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
A choice? Does the Person Playing Daniel's Nemesis want to talk about why there were so many EMPTY cans of beer in his drawers and cupboards in his classroom?
HOST:
Don't fight it. It never works.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Well, this is going to take a moment, so let’s go to ads as TWO of the teams choose their words.
[“ANALYSIS” MUSIC]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[AD DELIVERY]
I'm sure that you, like myself, are a busy person. In my case, writing shows for a sold-out national tour and charging Jimmy Carr-level hosting fees for small podcasts doesn't give me a lot of time for cooking those sumptuous meals that we all crave. So, I know where you think I'm going with this, those delivery companies that provide all the ingredients in the amounts required for you to cook up a meal. Well, what if I told you there was an even easier alternative?
[MICROWAVE BEEPS]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
The microwave meal, because who needs nutrients when you have complex e-numbers? Science! So we know it's right!
Not only are the ingredients in the exact portions that are needed, but they are all chopped up and mixed together by low-paid factory workers saving you unnecessary time slicing your finger with that ridiculously large knife, and no more trips to casualty, which with this NHS ...! Be easier if they slaughtered you at the door, am I right?
[CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF]
Microwave meals take just a few minutes to spin around and get radiated in. Have a hot date? You can easily remove the mouth burning meal from the plastic container, and WHOP IT on a plate. They are called TV dinners for a reason. No more of that Netflix and CHILL, this is Netflix and FILL ... Up your stomach!
So, why not try one today? Available from all your local supermarkets, and even dodgy 24-hour GARAGES, adding that THRILL to your me-ILL.
[T’S & C’S VOICE]
This ad has been sponsored by the global mega-elites that want to get you consuming, rather than thinking.
[NORMAL VOICE]
And microwave meals come in pretty packaging, too! COLOURS! And SHAPES!
[“READING” MUSIC AND APPLAUSE BRINGS US BACK TO THE SHOW.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Weren't those products and services wonderful? I can just see the corporate fat cats buying their third underground apocalypse-survival palace as high capitalism brings us to the collapse of society! My life has been enriched just by thinking of giving them the entire contents of my bank account.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
Before the break, I asked our teams, well two of them, to choose some words for our Madlibs game.
Three passages have been chosen (not yours, madam, your rectum is
safe)—
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
— with select words taken out, and now the teams shall fill in the blanks (madam, don't you just dream?) without knowing what the passages are. Fuuuunniest paaaassage wins! (Madam, congratulations!)
We'll go first, as always to Team Couldn't Give A Hoot. What are your nouns?
HEMMINGWAY:
Ahem.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Is that your first noun? You're beginning to sound like a certain pathetic and useless doppelganger of mine!
HEMMINGWAY:
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
No. Umm ...
[THE AUDIENCE LAUGH HARD]
HEMMINGWAY (CONT'D):
They are: Drink, fly, mother, kiss, knee.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I can see you've put some thought into this! NOOB MISTAKE!
Your adverb, verbs and adjectives, please.
OG DN:
Overtly, audit, treasure (being used as a verb), thoughtful, blue-eyed.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
We'll just put the words into the super computer and see what the result is!
[COMPUTER GOES “BLIPPITY BLOOP”]
TEXT TO SPEECH:
I get my first taste of drinks as we are man-handled into the mothers. Actually, myself and Hemmingway go overtly without any fuss, that responsibility is left to Mitsuko, who is literally audited into the mother that me and Hemmingway are in. She quickly pulls herself up and rushes back to the door as it is slammed shut, getting her fly caught in her desperate attempt to stop it. Her kiss is thoughtful, making me understand at the most primal level just how stupid it would be to ever, ever cross her. The more blue-eyed part of my knee merely treasures. The door is opened enough for her to retrieve her fly, and finally we are locked in.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Funniest wins, though it's amusing to hear Mitsuko described as having a 'thoughtful kiss” but it's—
MITSUKO:
I'm thoughtful! I'm thoughtful, aren't I Hemmingway? Tell them I'm thoughtful.
HEMMINGWAY:
I don't think saying your thoughts continuously is the same as being thoughtful.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But it's not for me to judge, and it's down to the audience, who were pretty silent during that ...
Audience, yoooour reaction!
[LUKEWARM REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Oh dear. Well, who's to know? People have survived worse. But so
far, that's a …
[KLAXON]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Maybe there's a big blue ball thing destroying London that you can go jump into? I mean, anything's got to be better than that reaction. BADDIES, what is on your list of
words?
MITSUKO:
Ba-Baddies?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
My apologies. Agents of CHAOS?
BATEMAN:
Nouns: Schlong, sheep, vag, daddy, jism, booby, arse, anus, gooch, (though I think it’s called the taint now? Actually, let’s go with perineum) and antidisestablishmentarianism.
Adjective: moist. Verbs: sweat, cum, defecate, scream, pound, thrust, swallow, slurp, tut.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
There's a strong theme! Team "Couldn't give a hoot", Agents of CHAOS are living up to YOUR name!
Let's see what the computer does with their … ahem … words.
[COMPUTER BLEEPS AND BLOOPS. THERE IS TITTERING AND LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING SPEECH.]
TEXT TO SPEECH:
I’m getting moist. I don’t know how long I’ve been in my schlong for, sweating on my sheep, cumming at the vaj, but I have been moist for a long time. At the very least, I could do with defecating a daddy. But it’s not so simple, as I can hear Mitsuko screaming and pounding in the jism below me. She is one of these people that cannot just thrust a booby, but has to swallow it. Someone who cannot just slurp an arse on an anus or a perineum, but tuts as if the antidisestablishmentarianism is a few inches below.
MITSUKO:
Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that at all!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
So close, but just lost it at the end there with your irony. Hoooow ironic! Still a consistent effort, and proof that going dirty is always the best way forward. But we need an audience reaction.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND HOLLERS.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Couldn't Give A Hoot, that's what you should have been going for.
[“CORRECT” SOUND]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
[HEAVY SIGH]
Team Ummm ... Let's just get it over and done with.
[COMPUTER BEGINS TO BEEP.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Let's not even bother with that.
TEXT TO SPEECH:
Welcome to the Blah Blah Podblah. Reading Blah squared. The blah in which I blah blah blah. Have you ever blahed? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …
HOST:
Funny.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But the audience don't think so! Minus 100 points.
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND]
OG DN:
And you think you are the best person for writing the book? With that?
HOST:
Game's not over yet. Assuming I get the chance to play.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You could have let me reveal your secret for only minus fifty points.
HOST:
Yeah I drank a bit too much, and I used to work late. Is that a crime? For what it's worth, I've been sober for nearly three years.
BATEMAN:
Such a damaged soul!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Congratulations! Minus fifty points as promised!
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND]
HOST:
[SARCASTIC]
Oh no! Minus one hundred and fifty whatever points. However will I win?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Not with that attitude!
HOST:
[STRONG]
What do I do to get points? How do I win?
[“READING” MUSIC]
[MORE APPLAUSE.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Round three is simple. General Knowledge. How much does everyone know about the story ... And themselves?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
A finger on the buzzer round this one. But, as one person doesn't seem to be taking this quiz very seriously—
HOST:
Give me some points then!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
— it's time to up the stakes.
Crunchy's life is on the line now. The winners get to determine his fate.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
What does that mean? What will happen to me?
MITSUKO:
I'd kick you out of the FIB. Out of life, actually.
HEMMINGWAY:
Mitsuko!
BATEMAN:
Nothing but love and attention from me.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
They're the ones who are winning at the moment.
HOST:
Nothing. Crunchy, you'll be fine.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
But I want to be better. Can't you make me less miserable at least?
HOST:
[ANNOYED]
Nothing's going to happen. Okay?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Question One. Why does Mitsuko leave the FIB?
MITSUKO:
I haven't left the FIB! What kind of question is that?
[‘WRONG” SOUND]
MITSUKO (CONT'D):
I don't get it. I love that job. I wouldn't quit.
[TEAM UMM BUZZER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Team Umm…
HOST:
Because she learns she is a stooge, a patsy. Her career options collapse in front of her, and she leaves.
MITSUKO:
Get [BEEP]d! I'm Mitsuko! I'm … Everyone knows ... Hemmingway, tell them!
HEMMINGWAY:
Mitsuko, you are a part of the FIB.
MITSUKO:
Thank you! See? Why's this all got to be about me? Every question is about me. I don't get it.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Minus five points for Team Umm…
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND]
HOST:
That's the correct answer!
MITSUKO:
[BEEP] you!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You lost points because you made her leave her job.
MITSUKO:
I'm not in the FIB any more? Because of you? The [BEEP] gives you that right? That was my job! THAT WAS MY LIFE! [BEEP]ING AROUND WITH MY LIFE!
HOST:
Technically, OG DN did.
OG DN:
She never quit in my versions. Oh, yeah, I had a lot of it drafted out, that's true. None of that 'mummy' Bull[BEEP], either. But, you did the Master's, you made her quit. "Narrative Tension!" She was pretty much equal to Hemmingway in my head, none of this fall person stuff.
HOST:
That's wrong! She was always the 'Dana Scully' sceptic figure.
OG DN:
Sceptic, yes. Excluded, no.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Minus another five points for arguing.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE FOR A GOOD DECISION.]
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND]
HOST:
But I'm trying to win. What do I do to get points?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You don't win. I won't give you any points. See, if OG DN wins, he won't care if I host the podcast. [BEEP], as long as I don't say anything about him, he will leave me be. If Bateman wins, he'll be happy for me to do that as well.
BATEMAN:
Stick more jokes in!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You treated me like [BEEP] on it before, so you don't deserve the hosting role.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
So I'm [BEEP]ed?
HOST:
Then what's th—
OG DN:
That's your problem, isn't it? It's all got to be about the drama. A 'point'. I was about the experience, not the story. Points. Might as well be talking about listeners, fame, money. You're about the glory because you think that's the same as story.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Talking my language there! Well, before this glory plot hole develops further, let's go into QUESTION 2! How much does Crunchy trust Bateman?
[“CHAOS SOUND” FOLLOWED VERY QUICKLY BY “TEAM UMM” SOUND.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Agents of CHAOS, just in there first.
BATEMAN:
Wholly, and completely?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Crunchy?
HOST:
Don’t say anything. All this is about me, not you.
MITSUKO:
And you're a fucking [BEEP]! Both of you !
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
No comment. But I would like some say in my fate. Can I be a separate team from him? He loses us points. I haven't actually lost the team any points yet.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Then no points to Agents of CHAOS. You didn't confirm the answer, see?
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
No, I …
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Just say that you trust him. If you do, I will let you be your own little team.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I think that I—
HOST:
It's difficult. Crunchy knows that Bateman is not a good ... entity. But Crunchy still feels like he has something to gain from Bateman.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Correct!
[“MINUS POINTS” SOUND]
HOST:
Hey!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Not learning, are you? QUESTION 3. Who talks the talk, but is unable to walk the walk?
[“GIVE A HOOT” SOUND]
OG DN:
Mitsuko. No, Hemmingway? Gosh that was the whole of the FIB. [BEEP]ing Idiotic [BEEP]ards.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I can only take your first answer - Mitsuko.
MITSUKO:
Hey! The [BEEP]? I'll 'walk the walk' you, [BEEP]-boy!
[MITSUKO WALKS OVER TO HOST. SHE PUNCHES HIM. THERE'S A BIG
'OOH' FROM THE AUDIENCE, AND CHEERS AS WELL.]
HOST:
[NOT TALKING WELL]
Hey! What did I say?
MITSUKO:
[BEEP] all youse.
[STORMING OFF. DOOR SLAMS.]
BATEMAN:
She was never on my radar. But she has some narcissistic qualities ...
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
And your first answer was wrong.
[“WRONG” KLAXON]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
But Bonus 10 points to Agents of Chaos for socking that piece of sh—
[“BONUS POINTS” SOUND]
HOST:
Don't I get anything for being assaulted?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Half a point. I'll play fair.
[“CORRECT” SOUND IS CUT OFF HALFWAY THROUGH.]
HOST:
Half a ... Half a point?
[PAUSE]
Then ...
[HOST STARTS PUNCHING HIMSELF.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
I like this. Keep hitting yourself! Two points! ... And stop now. We need to move on. the correct answer for 'who talks the talk, but can't walk the walk' is—
OG DN:
The person playing Daniel's Nemesis.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Why didn't you say that earlier?
OG DN:
Eh, can't say I regret what happened.
HEMMINGWAY:
This is getting silly. I've got to go with my partner. Make sure she's okay.
[HEMMINGWAY ALSO WALKS OFF. ANOTHER DOOR CLOSES.]
OG DN:
Great, I lost my partner as well.
HOST:
Experience, though, that's the important thing, right?
OG DN:
Nah. This is your bullshit drama. Aren't you seeing how it genuinely affects people's lives?
HOST:
So I should just give all my characters an LSD tab, and 'oops, all the main characters died at the end?'
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Children, children!
[“WRONG” SOUND[
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
We've had two of our teams cut in half, the third team wants to be split up as well but won't be, And a wonderful haymaker to the pagemaker Current Daniel's Neme[BEEP]. And yet the ritual humiliation must continue!
Question 4. The person playing Daniel’s Nemesis has anger issues. True or False.
[EVERYONE BUZZES IN.]
ALL:
True!
HOST:
Get [BEEP]ed!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That easy?
BATEMAN:
He has documents on his drive. He gets pissed off—
[HOST SINGS 'I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT' OVER BATEMAN.]
BATEMAN (CONT'D):
— at his friends and just character assassinates them.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
What's going on?
HOST:
Points. I get points for being humiliated right?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Bateman does. For showing you up.
[“CORRECT” SOUND]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
You lose points.
[“WORNG” KLAXON]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
It's lost it's charm. Anyone else have an answer whilst I'm in a points giving mood?
OG DN:
When I was doing XBook, there'd always be shouting on the recordings. People making noise outside, he'd scream, cuss, just be uncivil.
HOST:
A couple of mild grumbles!
HOST FROM MUCH EARLIER PODCAST EPISODE:
But if you haven’t— [COUGHS] But if you haven’t listened to any of the podcast before, what have you missed, and what have I forgotten about? Ginger has taken a break after fighting for four years in the greatest of wars.
[MOTORBIKE IN DISTANCE]
HOST FROM MUCH EARLIER PODCAST EPISODE (CONT’D):
William has told us—
Oh, for fuck’s sake!
[SMASHING SOUNDS]
HOST FROM MUCH EARLIER PODCAST EPISODE (CONT’D):
Fuck you!
HOST:
That's made up!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
But these aren't.
[“CORRECT” SOUND.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Points to OG DN! Other me? I'll give you points.
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
Sometimes I feel a massive rage that I'm unable to express, and I don't even know why it's there. Feelings that I can't visualise, can't vocalise for fear that they will happen. Murderous, extremely violent, and they just go on and on. Is that his rage?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Any comment? Has the imposter Daniel's Nemesis given the novel version of me his rage?
[NO ANSWER]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
A resounding 'yes'!
[“CORRECT” SOUND]
NOVEL CRUNCHY:
I don't want to be angry any more. I don't want to be pathetic. I don't like being a loser. Maybe there's work I can do to improve myself, but I don't need to be around those who create the negativity.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
GOOD FOR YOU! I'm going to tell you something that can only come from me and HIM. It's not your fault. It was never your fault. I will give your team 200 points if the Person Playing Daniel's Nemesis will just say that. 'It's not your fault'.
HOST:
He's a character! It's about making choices, doing things, saying things that may not be the best thing to say in the moment to keep things interesting for the reader.
Crunchy was designed to be a loser. He has to be one for the story to work. Therefore, he has to be wretched, and needs to show why he is so pathetic. I'm sorry that these things get aired, but as a character, he is ultimately responsible for everything he does ... And thinks!
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
[DROPPING AMERICAN ACCENT]
Tell you what, don't be in that team with the guy who clearly only cares for himself, doesn't care any more for the book, the podcast, even yourself. Come join the light side. Come here, little man.
[BACK TO AMERICAN ACCENT]
There's space inside me for you.
[AUDIENCE GIGGLES.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Be your potential. I'm giving you control of yourself. And I'm you, so let's be one Crunchy united. Leeeet's creeeaaaate oouuur owwwwwn deeeeestiny!
[THE TWO CRUNCHYS MERGE.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT'D):
Team Ummm.... Has Become Team Un.
Question 5! Narrative versus anti-narrative? Discuss!
HOST:
Oh, fuck no. This is a narrative book!
[“GIVE A HOOT” SOUND]
OG DN:
Anti-narrative. Because.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Because?
OG DN:
Surely giving any explanation is creating its own narrative, right? Restricting others' from their own interpretations.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
A winning, touching point. I award you control of the book back!
[WRONG” SOUND AND “CORRECT” SOUND]
OG DN:
Do I need to continue with this crap? Though, I do enjoy the humiliation part of it.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Thanks, it's revenge for how he's exposed my life.
OG DN:
I'll just stick around in the audience, then. Toodle Pipski!
[OG DN LEAVES.]
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
So, it seems our game of teams has become just a head to head match. Bateman VS Who Cares? No guessing who's going to lose!
Let's continue with Question 6! Previously, it was stated that there were 25 of this, but in reality, it’s probably more like 6.
HOST:
Listeners.
BATEMAN:
But I said that. Was I wrong?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
You were wrong, but the answer is correct!
[“CORRECT SOUND]
PODCAST CRUNCHY (CONT’D):
Minus ten points to Team Un for being a failure of a podcaster!
[“WRONG” SOUND]
BATEMAN:
Wait, it's actually 6?
[LAUGHS]
He only has 6 listeners?
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
Better than that, says here that 2 of them are him listening to his own podcast.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
FADE TO:
INT. LISTENER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
[THE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER IS REPLACED WITH SOMEONE GOING ABOUT THEIR LIFE AS THE PODCAST IS PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND. IT'S FAIRLY OBVIOUS THAT THE LISTENER IS NOT LISTENING.]
BATEMAN:
[STILL CHUCKLING]
I don't get it. I was on his podcast page. How is that possible? I saw the figures.
HOST:
It shows two sets. Real figures, and figures that include ... bots!
BATEMAN:
Real life is doing my work for me.
HOST:
Take the podcast. Why not? Fictional listeners for a fictional host.
PODCAST CRUNCHY:
That's all I needed to here. B'bye!
[CRUNCHY LEAVES]
HOST:
Why did you have to make me look like such an angry dick? That was made up!
BATEMAN:
Do you feel happy with yourself after all that just happened, content that despite losing, you did what you needed to do, your best?
HOST:
I did what I could.
BATEMAN:
You acted wretchedly. After all you've been through both in the podcast and in your private life, this is how you intentionally show yourself to the public world?
HOST:
No, it's how you showed me. That anger stuff, made up!
BATEMAN:
All of it?
HOST:
Pretty much, yeah! I do not like how I was portrayed!
BATEMAN:
What we had today was a little writing exercise. Good for those stuck in a rut, like you. Take your characters, put them into a completely different situation, and see what they do. Heck, we even managed to learn a few things about everybody, didn't we?
HOST:
I don't follow.
BATEMAN:
For someone who talks a lot about structure, and how to make improvements, you really miss the wood for the trees most of the time.
HOST:
Why did you have to turn everyone against me?
BATEMAN:
Why do you assume I did that? YOU put them through hell.
HOST:
I don't get it.
BATEMAN:
The way you write. OG DN may have a point. Drama for the sake of drama is good for engagement. It's destroying you, though.
HOST:
So, I'm not good enough to write the book, is that what you are saying?
BATEMAN:
You could be.
HOST:
I AM.
BATEMAN:
Kill Crunchy.
HOST:
No!
BATEMAN:
Crunchy isn't necessary for anything.
HOST:
He's my main character!
BATEMAN:
Do you want control of everything back?
HOST:
It was never anybody's to give away, except my own, and I'm not going to let that happen.
BATEMAN:
But it did. I have access to your computer. I will just lock you out of all your accounts.
HOST:
You're hacking me?
BATEMAN:
If you want control back, kill Crunchy. Look, this new version of Crunchy, he's an arse. But he'll be gone if you get rid of the original. That's simple enough.
But OG DN? You take away his surreal character, and he's just left with a fairly straight book. He won't be interested in that.
HOST:
There's no book at all if you kill the main character!
BATEMAN:
The book isn't Crunchy, and Crunchy isn't the book! I am. I'm the concept that it all revolves around. But I'm not the hero, am I? And frankly, I need a better hero to challenge me. Or, from the POV of the reader, there needs to be a stronger hero for me to throw harder challenges at.
Look, protagonists are defined by their antagonists. Batman needs Joker as Batman is about order, Joker is about chaos. The stronger an antagonist is, the more challenged the hero is, the better they become. The crazier the Joker gets, the harder Batman has to work to save the day, the more 'Batman' he becomes and we see how much potential is within him.
Looked at it from another point of view, an antagonist is defined by their protagonist. How chaotic would Joker be without Batman? There would be a plateau where Joker would elevate himself to a point that is beyond most people and then Joker would stop trying so hard. Same level of effort day in and day out because that's all he needs to do, and, well, he may just as well be your average, if sadistic, office worker. Who needs their baddie to 'quiet quit'? Batman forces Joker to evolve his schemes more each time and so his ideas get worse and more devastating.
That's what I need. A better protagonist than Crunchy is to show my worth. And, as a concept, I have a lot of potential as a baddie. The book doesn't need him, but it does need me. It would take a bit of work, but you could replace Crunchy with any character that you create, and it would be fine, as long as it is a worthy main character. And Mitsuko and Hemmingway would also be happy as their lives wouldn't be destroyed by such a miserable wretch ...
HOST:
That's it? You're taking the side of a couple of fictional characters?
BATEMAN:
I'm taking the side of the book! I'm taking the side of the reader who spends money and wants some quality! And I'm taking your side, as well.
HOST:
Are you fuck!
BATEMAN:
That rage. Do you put it into Crunchy, or does he put it into you?
HOST:
[TAKEN ABACK]
Huh.
BATEMAN:
Cutting out Crunchy will cut out that negative part within you. You carry Crunchy around with you. He is a part of you whether you like it or not. Cut out that part of your life.
Think about it. You didn't rush in to save Crunchy earlier, and that's because your unconscious is telling you to walk away FROM HIM! But you, you've moved on, proved your worth, had a very respectful job, handled living in different cultures, and have shown yourself to be a strong person multiple times. But you carry Crunchy's baggage with you, and you reduce yourself to being him when you do all this. So, kill Crunchy, nobody needs him, and move on.
What do you say?
[END MUSIC]
BATEMAN:
Oh yeah, work on that energy voice. For everyone's sake.