ORIGIN STORY OF A NOVEL - FROM X, SQUARED TO XBOOK AND BACK AGAIN
HOST:
Welcome Back to the Danie—
CRUNCHY:
[AWAY FROM MIC]
I was supposed to be first!!!
HOST:
Oh, Mother fucker! Can’t I even get past the intro without cursing?
CRUNCHY:
You promised me.
HOST:
Is it even worth me attempting to redo my introduction?
No, you’re here to stay, aren’t you?
CRUNCHY:
You promised me.
HOST:
I get it. Let me open my podcast. This is the second series. A big moment. Two whole people have been waiting for this.
[RECALIBRATING]
Welcome back to the Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast reading X……. Squared! You thought I was going to say XBook, right? This is X, Squared. The kind of direct sequel to XBook in that it has completely different characters, and there is technically another book in the middle of this trilogy.
CRUNCHY
Ginger is my grandfather.
HOST:
Yeah…. Umm… awkward chronology. We’ll come back to that when it’s addressed in a different episode. OK?
The Daniel’s Nemesis Podcast is back! After the (lack of) success of the first series in which I read out my surreal novel XBook, this second series will delve into a later novel. The first chapter of which will have been released in conjunction with this Introduction episode.
[SCUFFLING]
What’s going on? The sound is all weird through my headphones…
CRUNCHY:
I’m just getting a new microphone set up.
HOST:
You need a mic?
CRUNCHY:
I mean, that’s how it works, isn’t it?
HOST:
But OG… Ginger… They didn’t use microphones… They … I have no idea, quite frankly. They were just there.
GINGER:
Yeah, but it looks better right? I think that’s right.
[HE SOUNDS MUCH CLEARER, LESS DISTANT]
Testing, testing. 1, 2, 3.
HOST:
So, X, Squared. Both the last novel I wrote, yet also the first story I ever wrote.
X, Squared is the simple tale of a work experience lad joining a secret organisation, and finding himself a major player in the sinister depths of its mysterious underbelly.
What I’d like to have a look at today is the origins of this novel, going all the way back to the original play from 1997 —
CRUNCHY:
I was in that.
HOST:
We… er… we have a theme with these podcasts, don’t we? Yes, Crunchy. You were in that.
CRUNCHY:
Hello! Nice to be introduced.
HOST:
The origins from the original 1997 play to the novel written post Master’s Degree.
So, what is X, Squared?
If XBook began as a loose parody of Independence Day, X, Squared began as a parody of another late 90’s phenomenon The X-Files. Hence its original name - ‘The X2 + Y Files’.
I was fifteen and had never shown an interest in writing. I wanted to be an actor, and had taken the option of doing English Drama, instead of English Grammar (Boy, talk about ironic choices considering my life path). Part of the exams was, as a group, devising and performing our own play. And we had agreed on doing an X-Files parody.
Coming up with the character names was the starting point for the whole story. And very much the whole narrative development. Fox Mulder became Mouldy, Scully became Scabby. Krychek… Crunchy. Ernold Crunchy, named after the Blur song Ernold Same from “The Great Escape”. Basically, in our version, two F.I.B. agents, one a believer in aliens, one a sceptic, are assigned a case looking into paranormal activity. However, they are assigned a lad on work experience. One Ernold Crunchy.
I’ll go into more detail soon. But before I make any more excuses, I think it’s best if I just give you a sample of the original play.
Being a play, I’m going to go with text to speech for the different characters’ dialogues. The way I see it, text to speech will be much less robotic and wooden than the original performers who were a bunch of teenagers taking Drama as the easier option to English Literature. Or grammar, or whatever the fuck it was. Unlike myself, not one of them showed any real interest in performing. Everybody else in it did jack shit other than learn their lines. We didn’t have theatre nerds in my school. None of that attention-seeking bullshit of jumping up on lunch tables and singing. Drama was for the slackers.
By the way, I played Crunchy, so you’ll get to hear my voice, at least as I will do him. 25 years later to the day almost. And way more fucked due to the ravages of time and nicotine.
CRUNCHY:
Can’t I play Crunchy?
HOST:
I played him in the original performances!
CRUNCHY:
I AM HIM!
HOST:
My podcast!
Here’s a brief description of the more notable characters:
TEXT TO SPEECH:
[EACH READ OUT THROUGH TEXT TO SPEECH WITH THEIR OWN VOICE]
AGENT MOULDY:
Firm believer in the paranormal and in aliens. Thinks that everything is related to aliens in some way.
AGENT SCABBY:
Skeptic, thinks that Mouldy is crazy for believeing in aliens. Military fanatic.
BOSS:
Thinks he is some kind of general from WW1. Very stiff upper lip.
HOST:
Sound familiar?
BOSS:
Has a tendency to get names wrong.
HOST AS AGENT CRUNCHY:
[SILENCE}
HOST:
Hear that silence? I couldn’t even come up with a character description for my own character!
Alright, let’s have a listen. I can only warn you that the next few minutes are going to contain very low-quality writing. We’re doing an origin story here. Even Batman was once a runty little weakling, I’m sure.
CHAPTER MUSIC
[TEXT TO SPEECH, WITH DESCRIPTIONS READ OUT IN ITS OWN VOICE]
Scene 1 - Mouldys Kitchen
(Mouldy is sitting at his table in the kitchen, reading his newspaper.)
SCABBY: (There is a crash as the door is kicked down.) Freeze! F.I.B.!
MOULDY: Scabby, it’s only the kitchen.
SCABBY: Oh yeah. Sorry. Might as well put my gun away then.
MOULDY: Yes please. That’s the fifth door that you’ve gone through this week, and it’s only Monday! Do you have some kind of super-human strength or something? Anyway, what do you want now?
SCABBY: We’re wanted back at H.Q.
MOULDY: What for?
SCABBY: Another investigation for us to investigate.
MOULDY: Couldn’t you have just told me this over the phone? It would have saved on yet another door. Do you know how much they cost?
SCABBY: Phone? Nah. It’s much more fun this way.
MOULDY: So, what is it this time? Aliens. (Hopefully.)
SCABBY: What else?
MOULDY: I dunno. Burglary, murder, Hippos......?
SCABBY: Hippos?
MOULDY: Well you know what some people are like.
SCABBY: It’s aliens, okay?
MOULDY: Yippee! (Starts jumping with joy.)
SCABBY: There are no such things as aliens you know.
MOULDY: There are Scabby. They’re out there you know.
SCABBY: Where? If you’re pointing at anything in particular through the window, I can’t see it
MOULDY: Well, not outside exactly, but up there.
SCABBY: They’re not on the ceiling are they? If they make a mess up there, it’ll take ages to clean up you know. I mean, it’s really difficult to reach and all, but a good tip is to stand on a chair. I mean, it’s a revolution in ceiling cleaning.....
MOULDY: Oh forget it.
SCABBY: Anyway, come on, lets go. They’re expecting us.
MOULDY: The Greys?
SCABBY: Lets go.
(She charges out leaving Mouldy following behind much more casually.)
Scene 2 - Inn The H.Q.
(In this scene, whenever someone speaks, there is an echo as they are in a very large room)
BOSS: Ah there you are. Now then, what do you want?
MOULDY: Pardon sir? We can’t hear you very well.
BOSS: What?
MOULDY: Eh?
BOSS: Just don’t stand by the door. Why don’t you come round here where I can hear you.
SCABBY: I know sir, we’ll come round there where we can hear, instead of standing here by the door
(There is a pause as they go over.)
MOULDY: Mighty big room you’ve got here.
SCABBY: Very, very big. Why so big.
BOSS: Just for the fun of it. Now then, what did you want, and have you got an appointment?
SCABBY: No sir, you wanted us, remember?
BOSS: I did? Oh, yes. I did didn’t I?
MOULDY: Yes, sir.
BOSS: Yes that’s right. The kettles in the room over there.
SCABBY: Kettle?
BOSS: Yes, the kettle. You are the tea maids aren’t you.
MOULDY: (Insulted.) Huh! We’re agents Mouldy and Scabby, actually. You know, your best two agents. We were told to report here as you have an investigation for us to investigate, remember?
BOSS: Yes, yes I do remember know, in fact aren’t you supposed to be on the case now?
SCABBY: (Fed up.) You haven’t given it to us yet sir. That is the whole purpose of us being here, as has already been stated.
BOSS: Haven’t I?
SCABBY: No.
BOSS: You sure? I mean I’m not very often wrong you know.
SCABBY: Very sure, sir.
BOSS: Oh well. It’s about aliens.
(Scabby is suddenly very alert and silent.)
MOULDY: Yes! I knew it. Didn’t I say so Scabby?
(She doesn’t respond.)
MOULDY: Oh, oh well.
BOSS: A woman claims to have seen some aliens. Your mission, if you wish to accept it, is to investigate this claim.
MOULDY: Oh. Is that all. (Disappointed.)
BOSS: Yes, and to help you with your investigation, I have assigned you another agent. Although, you’ll have to be careful as he is on work experience. His mother will go absolutely spare if even one hair on his poor little head is harmed.
MOULDY: What’s his name?
BOSS: Crunchy.
MOULDY: Yes please.
BOSS: No, Agent Crunchy.
SCABBY: I thought that was a chocolate bar.
(Enter Crunchy.)
CRUNHY:
[HOST AND CRUNCHY READ OUT THE LINES]
I am not a chocolate bar. I do not even resemble a chocolate bar, or any other kind of food and drink. It is just an unfortunate coincidence which I have, metaphorically speaking, of course, have been forced to live with. Everybody associates that chocolate bar business with me and I do not like it. I just wish that everybody would just shut up and leave me alone. It’s just not fair. (Almost in tears.)
HOST:
I told you not to read!
CRUNCHY:
I didn’t have any choice! You started speaking me, and I… I… had to speak.
HOST:
Well, that is literally as much as I can bear anyway. For a podcast that’s all about going over early works, and trying to accept them, even I have my limits.
CRUNCHY:
Read out the rest. I want to know more about what happened to me.
HOST:
Just shut up, will you? I have a lot to cover, and it’s not easy with you jumping in all the time. Rememb…
[TO AUDIENCE]
Remember, this was written when I was about 15 for my GCSEs, And, if you can believe it, it was performed. On a stage. To an audience. As an exam. It got me a “B”, I think. (Did I ever mention that I went to a shitty school?) I was fucking chuffed with that B considering I wrote, directed, and starred in that play. Of more importance, though, was that people laughed. People actually laughed in the right way, at the things I wanted them to laugh at.
[CRUNCHING SOUNDS]
Are you fucking eating?
CRUNCHY:
15 years in a void, and suddenly I have a body again. I’m a bit hungry.
HOST:
I’m talking about a massively pivotal moment in my life! Eat somewhere else! In fact, just be somewhere else!
CRUNCHY:
Can’t I eat here?
HOST:
Do you have any idea what we’re doing? This is a podcast.
CRUNCHY:
A what?
HOST:
It’s like the radio, but people listen to it when they… People listen to this. Sometimes with headphones on. Have you ever had someone eat a packet of crisps right in your ear?
[CRUNCHY PUTS THE CRISPS AWAY]
Where was I? Right…
The, er, the laughter. The laughter! Made me feel like I had something. That I could be a writer. That moment’s kind of lost its punch!
[TAKES A MOMENT]
So, what was the actual plot of the X2 + Y Files?
[FADING IN + OUT, BITS LAYERED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, AND WITH TEXT TO SPEECH VOICES READING CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS — THE WHOLE DIALOGUE BECOMES DISTORTED]
Essentially, for what little plot there is, Scabby, Mouldy and Crunchy go to the witness’s house to interview her - she is called “Woman” (WOMAN: Absent minded. Typical Housewife).Scabby kicks down more doors; Becky (BECKY: Madly and passionately in love with Agent Crunchy.), the teenage daughter of “WOMAN” falls in love with Crunchy; Crunchy seems to recognise the house, but can’t work out why; Mouldy and Scabby have a childish “don’t” “do” argument about the existence of aliens; Boss appears at the house - he is married to Woman; Crunchy realises that he lives next door, that Boss and Woman used to babysit him, and this is how he got work experience at a secret government organisation; a Robber (ROBBER: Very nervous and depressed as everything has gone wrong in his life. Feels that crime or killing himself is the only answer) also appears and threatens to kill Crunchy unless he can escape; an Avon Lady (AVON LADY: Very unsympathetic. Feels that everybody is beneath her, especially Billy the Robber. Has the odd homicidal turn every so often)appears (I had to write for a lot of actors, everybody needed a part); seeing Robber holding a gun, Lucy the Avon Lady (yeah, she gets a name) pulls out an axe and puts Crunchy into hysterics; Robber gives a sob story about being an A grade student but down on his luck, breaking up with his girlfriend justifying (for some reason) why he is a robber; Lucy the Avon lady recognises the robber as Billy Jones and is very cruel towards him; Crunchy arrests the two for attempted homicide and robbery; the investigation starts again; Woman had been kidnapped by aliens and then left in a crop circle; Mouldy faints; after continual references to chocolate bars Crunchy finally objects to being called Curly Wurly and pulls out a gun; Crunchy reveals that he is actually an agent for the F16 and that organisation is geting jealous of Mouldy getting all the good cases and solving them before the F16 do; surprise twist — it was an April Fool’s joke, despite being November; Surprise twist 2 — Scabby (god knows why) reveals herself to be an alien; boss tells Crunchy to go investigate the cornfield, taking Becky the teenage girl following him like a lovesick puppy dog as well as Lucy the Avon Lady and Billy the Robber to the police station; Woman and Boss disappear to make more tea; Scabby starts dematerialising, being taken back to her mothership after her mission failed and takes a pleading Mouldy with her.
Fin.
That, ladies and gentlemen, was my first story.
CRUNCHY:
And someone fell in love with me?
HOST:
[SIGHS, BUT IGNORES CRUNCHY]
To call that a plot is just insulting. Just random events following on from each other. And then, And then, And then, without a goal or a stake in sight. Essentially an American soap opera.All that’s missing are some incestuous evil twins…
CRUNCHY:
But, someone fell in love with me?
HOST:
My approach to story writing was sitting in front of a blank page, and filling it up, knowing only a couple of lines ahead at any one time. Whatever happened, happened. It was a surprise for me as much as anyone else, and the pleasure of writing was very much in the surprise. I am coming to believe that I was the only one who found any pleasure at all from my writing.
At this stage, editing was very much me adding lines of dialogue, if not pointless characters. There was no concept of taking stuff out. Which very well may explain XBook…
CRUNCHY:
Where are the songs?
HOST:
What?
CRUNCHY:
You said this is like radio. Radio has songs.
HOST:
Well, that was 1997. What happened next?
Well, it’s actually kind of appropriate to have mentioned the radio as, because of the very talky nature of this script, X2 + Y Files briefly became a script for a radio play — even sent to the BBC and subsequently rejected, though they did nicely invite me to a weekend scriptwriting course.
However, despite this, it largely got forgotten. 1998 saw the creation of Xmas Day which later became XBook. I still wanted to use Crunchy as a template character, but being set so far in the past, Crunchy mutated into Ginger, Crunchy’s grandfather. The Boss from this play became Flight Lieutenant Johnson.
CRUNCHY:
No music?
HOST:
No! No music!
CRUNCHY:
Just ‘cause you talked about 1997 and 1998, there were some good songs then that you could play.
HOST:
[TALKING OVER CRUNCHY]
Well, we all know what happened with XBook, but X2 + Y Files got shelved (like I wish he was). To be hidden for many, many years. The idea of doing something with X2 + Y Files became more and more ridiculous as I got into university and my film course. It was a child’s fancy. Nothing more.
The whole thing unsalvageable.
XBook ca—
CRUNCHY:
You keep talking about XBook.
HOST:
Well, you know, first child and all that…
CRUNCHY:
I WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD!!!!!!
HOST:
And this is what I’m talking about! Your resurrection!
XBook came back, this time for heavy revision. A whole 25 episodes has been devoted to that. Immediately after university, Iris Phillips was written which will have its own series one day...
But soon I wanted to make writing my career. And I was left with a void. Two books that were in various stages of “readability” and unmarketable anyway. What about something a little more accessible? So, where does every good writer begin when trying to think up a new story? Looking through all the long-abandoned ideas.
Now the idea of a secret organisation appealed to me. Previously, X2 + Y Files had been weak jokes based on even weaker character relations in a vague scenario. I think the idea of secret worlds was quite in vogue then. Harry Potter, the Twilight books. XMen … Basically, the early 2000’s was full of this peeling back the layers of normal society to reveal thriving sub-cultures right there within easy reach.
Without knowing it, I’d heard the call of the zeitgeist, and my little piss-poor effort was a great vehicle. What if we take our character who is still a work-experience lad, and allow him to enter this strange new world? Now we have the foundation. It’s a world based on the Japanese horror and German Expressionist movies I so revered at the time, not to mention me throwing in my brand of surrealism/magical realism. He is Ginger’s grandson after all.
With a bigger world, the other characters needed developing. Mouldy and Scabby were done. They needed up—
TEXT TO SPEECH VOICES:
Scene 3 - Womans House
(There is another crash as Scabby kicks the door down.)
SCABBY: F.I.B.!
(Becky screams. Scabby is pleased that she has had some kind of reaction.)
MOULDY: You like saying that don’t you?
SCABBY: Yes. It’s just a shame that I haven’t got a real gun. It was taken off me you know. Too violent apparently. Can’t see how.
WOMAN: Who the hell are you? And what the hell are you going to do about my door?
MOULDY: We’re agents Mouldy and Scabby from the F.I.B..
CRUNCHY: Er, excuse me.
MOULDY: Oh yes. And this is agent Cadbury’s Creme Egg.
CRUNCHY: Shut up!
BECKY: Ooh. You look dreamy.
CRUNCHY: Who me?
BECKY: Yes.
CRUNHY: (Genuinely surprised.) Gosh! I...I...I don’t know what to say.
SCABBY: I wouldn’t get to excited you know, she’s only a 13 year old girl.
BECKY: 16 if you must know.
WOMAN: I would still like to know what you are doing barging in on us like that. I could call the police you know.
HOST:
What happened?
CRUNCHY:
I was looking for songs whilst reading through the script.
HOST:
Leave things alone, please. Don’t fiddle.
CRUNCHY:
So, someone fancied me.
HOST:
She was 16! And she was cut, as was the other character — Woman.
CRUNCHY:
Why? Do I get a better girlfriend?
HOST:
I need to read this script. Be quiet, please.
Speaking of other characters, the characters did change. Yes, Becky was cut. Scabby, Mouldy, and the Boss stayed on in very different forms. Just as Ernold Crunchy became Nosferatu Crunchy, Mouldy’s name changed to -
TEXT TO SPEECH VOICES:
CRUNCHY: (To himself.) You know, this place looks decidedly familiar.
BECKY: Hello there.
CRUNCHY: Er, hello.
BECKY: What are you doing tonight?
CRUNCHY: Er, nothing.
BECKY: Oh good.
CRUNCHY: (Starts panicking.) No, no sorry, I’m, er, I’m washing my... my.... hair. Yes that’s right, I’m washing my hair.
BECKY: I’ll help you then.
CRUNCHY: What? No, no thanks.
MOULDY: Where are they then?
WOMAN: Where are who?
MOULDY: (Sarcastically.) Where are the goldfish?
[HOST SNIFFS]
CRUNCHY:
Don’t look at me! Did you see me do anything?
HOST:
I didn’t even record any of that! And I can hear your voice in the dialogue!
CRUNCHY:
I’m just looking at it, I swear.
HOST:
Then close the file.
This is about the book. It was last revised in 2008, I remember being in my office at the university. I was working with Scott and Craig both watching TV shows, —
No, wait. I’ve jumped ahead now.
Where was I?
Oh, I was talking about characters. No, I’m supposed to be talking about …. Ah. 2006-7. It’s been shelved, I’ve finished my Master’s. …
[SIGH]
… er, ah!
With many film references, this couldn’t be a radio series anymore. This had to be a film. Except, plotting things out, it was too long. So it became a TV series. Six parts.
And the development of which put down the groundwork for this later adaptation back into a book.
TEXT TO SPEECH:
Becky - Madly and passionately in love with Agent Crunchy.
HOST:
However, at this time, there was also another idea in development - Scandal. Both these ideas were being worked on as I accepted a position onto a Master's course in Scriptwriting. It was Scandal that I felt could make the better movie, and it was that idea that I wanted to initially develop during the course. X2 + Y Files got shelved again.
Fuck, no… I’ve jumped ahead.
TEXT TO SPEECH:
(Bossenters and clears his throat to indicate so.)
CRUNCHY: Attention!
BOSS: What ho!
CRUNCHY: Sir!
BECKY: Hello Daddy.
MOULDY: Sir?
BOSS: What the bleeding hell are you doing here?
WOMAN: Who are these people darling?
CRUNCHY: Permission to speak sir!
BOSS: Permission granted, Mars Bar.
CRUNCHY: You sent us here, remember,sir? To investigate the alien case, sir?
BECKY: Oh, so you’re responsible for bringinmg this wonderful man into my life.
BOSS: Oh yes. I remember now. Darling, get us some tea.
CRUNCHY: That’s it! I’ve had enough - I’ve been called various chocolate bars, but I won’t, and I repeat, Won’t stand to being called Darling.
HOST:
[UNDERNEATH TEXT TO SPEECH:]
I’m just going to move my mic into a different room. I’m all over the place as it is, anyway.
[AS HE MOVES EVERYTHING, THE NEXT BIT OF DIALOGUE PLAYS, GETTING QUIETER]
TEXT TO SPEECH (Cont’d):
BOSS: But I wasn’t talking to you, Cadburys Fruit And Nut. No, I was talking to my wife, here.
CRUNCHY: Oh. Oh dear. Of course! I’ve just realised why the place looks so familiar. I live next door.
[THERE IS MORE OBVIOUS ROOM AMBIENCE, AND MUTTERINGS FROM HOST]
TEXT TO SPEECH (Cont’d):
BOSS: Of course you do. We have to babysit you every night when your parents are out. Besides, how else do you think you’d get work experience at the F.I.B.
SCABBY: I sympathise.
BECKY: He lives next door.
CRUNCHY: Yes I...(he realises what is about to happpen)...don’t.
HOST:
Characters began to develop. They were given a purpose in the story, elevated beyond being just a name or a parody of a character from a show I hadn’t even watched, or even just a quirky way of speaking. Decisions were made based on what would advance the narrative, not something funny that someone said that needed to have a plot retroactively worked out.
TEXT TO SPEECH:
MOULDY : Can you pass me all the notes that you’ve made on this case please, Curly Wurly.
CRUNCHY : Right, that’s it. I’ve Really had enough now. I can take all the other names, but not Curly Wurly. I mean I don’t even like Curly Wurlys.
BOSS: My word, he’s got a gun.
CRUNCHY: And I’m not afraid to use it!
WOMAN : What about Maltesers?
CRUNCHY : What! Oh. Hmm... That’ll do, I suppose, but I’m not too fond of them either.
MOULDY : Why are you trying to kill me then Dime Bar?
HOST:
[AWAY FROM MIC]
It is you, isn’t it? I don’t know how you’re doing it, but please stop.
CRUNCHY:
I….
HOST:
Look, I have this script. I just want to get through it, ‘cos it’s going to take long enough as it is without you interrupting all the time.
CRUNCHY:
I’m just reading. With my eyes, not my mouth.
HOST:
You, er… You have any of your… you know? In this form, I mean?
CRUNCHY:
I haven’t noticed anything yet.
HOST:
But… you can kind of make words real.
CRUNCHY:
I’m putting that down to you. I just look at those words and I’m there. It’s like… It’s like you created me, and I exist when those words are seen or read. I don’t like it. It’s me, but it’s not me, like… like I’m a sketch of myself, but done by a child. You know, coloured outlines, splodgy shapes and an overbearing white background. I’m recognisable but only in the context that I know that that’s supposed to be me. It’s not me. But I become it. You're my creator, this is your creation, and I’m a part of that.
HOST:
Well, let’s be careful okay? We don’t want anything to, you know… happen. But, look. I’ve got a lot to get through.
CRUNCHY:
What’s it all about, anyway? All this … recording and stuff.
HOST:
Each week, or so, I read a chapter from a novel I wrote. I then analyse it afterwards. It’s kind of a, you know, buy one get one free, two podcasts for the price of one.
CRUNCHY:
What chapter?
HOST:
Well, this episode is episode 0. It’s before the main series begins. It’s to tell people what to expect and give some background that I probably won’t have space for anywhere else. It’s an introduction episode.
CRUNCHY:
And what are you going to tell them?
HOST:
Well, that I wrote the original story for a school exam when I was young, and it was predictably bad with a meandering plot that went nowhere. At some point, Xmas Day came out of it, probably when I was avoiding study for my A-levels, and unable to think of a new character, I just used you. Except, as it was set in the First World War, you became known as Ginger and that new character would have been your grandfather. However, both Ginger and XBook evolved. You didn’t disappear completely, there was an abandoned radio play, and then just before my scriptwriting course, there was a TV show where much of the skeleton of the forthcoming book was laid down, but it never quite gelled, lots of gaps and plot holes. Then, exhausted after my scriptwriting course, and armed with some skills, I set about planning the story more carefully, as I wanted to go back to a story that I cared about, and I wrote this version of the book in the space of about three months after coming home each night from my shitty retail job. And then it was shelved when I came to Korea just after that. All I really want to say is how this novel originated. And why it’s in this state that I am reading out.
CRUNCHY:
And you have nine pages to explain all that?
HOST:
Well, there’s more to say…
CRUNCHY:
So, why wasn’t I first?
HOST:
None of the books got published. You know that if any were, I would have put you first as it was the more accessible and marketable book. The other more experimental writing would have come later once I was more established.
CRUNCHY:
I mean the podcast.
HOST:
Well, XBook was easier to poke fun at. If I did any poking.
CRUNCHY:
Don’t you think you might have been more successful by now if you began with a better book?
HOST:
Who knows? Honestly, the Internet is so fickle, and I barely know a thing about it.
CRUNCHY:
Then why continue?
HOST:
I’ve just given up a job and a life in South Korea. I don’t have anything back in the UK, and I want to make a clean break. I want this to be something. Something to get me into the literary world.
CRUNCHY:
You think publishers will want to publish one of your books? You’ve gone on record saying that XBook is an unpublishable book.
HOST:
It’s not just writing, though, is it? The literary world is big with editors, readers, supervisors. The first series was like one big long book report. Saying to the world, “I understand story. You can employ me”.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. Read a better book. Analyse it without being interrupted! And get noticed.
CRUNCHY:
Why can’t you do something different? Just analysing… it’s a bit boring, isn’t it? Have some games or something.
HOST:
It’s not that kind of podcast. And I’m supposed to be alone. Who plays games alone?
CRUNCHY:
I just think it could be more fun, that’s all.
HOST:
Well …
CRUNCHY:
This is your script? Let me read out a bit of it.
[CRUNCHY READS PART OF IT, BUT HE’S EVEN WORSE AT READING THAN HOST. STUMBLING OVER WORDS, AWKWARD PAUSES, OR JUST VERY FLAT AND ROBOTIC.]
“I’m beginning to suspect that, despite being a professor at three different universities, my worldly knowledge has decreased quite significantly over the last 15 years. (I know my vocabulary has when you are not—) I know my vocabulary has! When you are not surrounded by your native language, it’s funny how much of it falls out of your active recall. It’s there in the passive recall. I guess it’s the same with ideas ...”
You were going to say that? What does that have to do with anything?
HOST:
Look, let me do what I do, okay. You’re just an observer. You don’t need to say anything.
CRUNCHY:
I can do jokes!
Eh-hem..
I love listening to DVD commentaries, you know when the film-makers talk about their movies? I love Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton. I’d love to hear their commentaries! … ‘Cos … ‘cos they were silent comedians.
HOST:
Look, I’d very much appreciate it if I can finish this off.
CRUNCHY:
I’ll make the jokes more relevant…
HOST:
[ASSESSING]
I’m beginning to suspect that, despite being a professor at three different universities, my worldly knowledge has decreased quite significantly … You’re right. That bit is a bit shit, isn’t it? Let’s at least change the number to four, as that’s more accurate.
Umm..
[SCANS AHEAD]
Also, spot the film references. Names, characters… some plot elements….
[TWITTER ALERT]
CRUNCHY:
What’s “Twitter Notification”? And “YouTube Studio”?
HOST:
What do you mean? And you know YouTube.
CRUNCHY:
Twitter Notification — “This podcast su…”
HOST:
Nobody follows me on Twitter.
CRUNCHY:
It just appeared on the black thing.
HOST:
My phone.
CRUNCHY:
Hmm?
HOST:
You're from 2006. Look, phones are touch screen now, if you're wondering why there are no buttons.
CRUNCHY:
Why does it keep flashing?
HOST:
Because, I’m an idiot, and I didn’t turn it off before the recording started.
CRUNCHY:
It’s a message?
HOST:
Yeah, but probably from people I don’t know. Look, you remember MySpace? Facebook? Twitter is one of those things. That whole world has expanded. Massively. Too much.
CRUNCHY:
Can I have a look?
HOST:
Why not? If it’s Twitter, there’s nothing personal, it’s all public. So yeah, here.
CRUNCHY:
Oh. That’s not nice.
HOST:
Look, let’s…
Here. Ricky Gervais. You like him. Check out his twee— messages.
CRUNCHY:
And YouTube Studio?
HOST:
Just Youtube. Here. Enjoy. Be quiet.
[VIDEO PLAYS]
HOST (Cont’d):
Go over there.
[BACK TO MIC]
So, let’s finally talk about the novel. The bulk of the novel was written in the few months between me graduating from my Master’s and going to Korea.
I think that it became a novel again because I was just so burned out after my course and suspicious of the film industry. Writing plan after plan barely even looking at a script drove me insane, and I think I just needed to get into someone else’s head.
Lucky then, that I had a wealth of material from a year previously to draw on.
It was a speedy writing of a novel, but much of it was in place, just some tweeking where things were a bit weak, or not very motivated. So by the time I got to the writing, it was so easy to just be inside Crunchy’s head, and I just needed to guide him and the other characters for a much more satisfying story.
It’s consequently very 2006 in its references. Though I refer to Camden as the centre of cool, even then Hackney and the East of London was becoming that. Kind of ironic as I technically lived in Hackney when this was written. Shows just how out of touch I have always been. Camden is more flash.
This is version 1.5 meaning that there were clear revisions, but not enough major changes to call it a new draft. Consequently, though I’m happy with the beats, the thought processes behind the actions, the way things move from one to the next, I’m not so happy with my actual prose. It feels a bit simplistic. The flow of the words is a bit light, not so literary. It’s just a bit straight, bit too matter of fact. Also, there are times when I definitely tell, and don’t show. Stuff like that would have been sorted out. Again, this is just a tidied up getting-my-ideas-down-on-the-page draft.
I actually do feel like I managed to capture Crunchy’s personality. It feels like him talking, rather than my third-person narrative voice (though there is room for improvement here). He definitely doesn’t sound like Ginger or William. And even more evolved than the version that is interrupting us today.
It’s funny, I look back and I see things and I think “I knew that back then?” I’m continually surprised by my knowledge…. I’m beginning to suspect that, despite being a professor at four different universities, my worldly knowledge has decreased quite significantly over the last 15 years. I know my vocabulary has. When you are not surrounded by your native language, it’s funny how much of it falls out of your active recall. It’s there in the passive recall and I guess it’s the same with ideas. (Oh, that bit does make sense.)
Also, spot the film references. Names, characters… some plot elements….
I don’t actually want to say what stories I drew from…
Didn’t I say this bit already? Umm…
[HALF READING, HALF SCANNING]
Coming back to pacing, there are some ideas that do drag. Again, that’s something to fix.
[BACK TO SCRIPT - TWITTER ALERTS IN BACKGROUND]
The point is — X, Squared is different to XBook. It’s, overall, a much stronger book. Not by any means perfect, and as stated, I am giving you a draft where polish is still required. But I am happy with where this book is, happy enough to read it out as I explore it for future embellishments. I want to let this book breathe. I want it to speak for itself.
CRUNCHY:
[CUTTING OFF HOST]
Oh wow. Is this podcast live, or something?
HOST:
Not this one, no.
CRUNCHY:
Well, suddenly there’s lots—
HOST:
I’m recording. I don’t have a lot of time.
CRUNCHY:
Yeah, but look.
[HANDS PHONE OVER]
They just suddenly started appearing.
HOST:
What have you done?
CRUNCHY:
I… Well… I may have joined a few groups. Mentioned this podcast. Left a few comments—
HOST:
Joined a few groups?
CRUNCHY:
Well, they practically beg you to do it.
HOST:
They don’t! And you made your own account?
CRUNCHY:
I … used yours. Oh God. I think it’s starting. Can you hear that?
TWEET FLURRY:
Voice sounds awful
Can’t believe I wasted any of my time on this.
Couldn’t get past the intro, he just goes on.
Can… he… talk… any… slower…?
Using filters for different characters. Mark of a bad actor.
Sub for sub?
Self-indulgent crap.
Why does anyone want to read something they know is bad? Why do I want to listen to something when I know it’s going to be bad?
I want to try some of the drugs he’s been having.
F
I will find you, and I will kill you. I am cyber-hacker.
Each week? Who’s going to stay around for the second episode?
This could have been interesting, but the audio quality is too poor.
I was going to give a one-star, but because he didn’t beg for five stars, I gave him an extra star. Lack of promotion was the only redeeming thing.
I like how he’s started begging for listeners.
So much promotion on the YouTube videos.
This just unlistenable.
He is totally reading from a script.
What’s wrong with his voice? I’m worried about his health.
HOST:
What was all that?!?
CRUNCHY:
Messages….
HOST:
NO! Messages don’t work like that. That was... everywhere!
CRUNCHY:
I…
HOST:
You need to be quiet! You can’t do this. First of all, get off social media. My phone. No more! It’s a very different place from what it used to be in your day. It’s not for the uninitiated. I shouldn’t have given you my phone, that’s my fault. But no more!
Second. Don’t interrupt. You think this is fun? It’s not. These are my observations on my book. The fact that you’re in it is immaterial. I’ve been through all this once before, and it pisses me off. I am not letting it happen again. If you are here, be quiet. Talk only when I talk to you. That’s the rule.
I don’t ever remember writing you to be such a child. When did you get this annoying? Look, Crunchy, you were always an obnoxious character. I hate to say it, but it’s true. You were written to be a fucking annoying little shit. Annoying but in a misunderstood way. You were never this! You are not a Crunchy I remember. You’re so childish! What happened?
CRUNCHY:
I just want to join in, that’s all.
HOST:
[SOME SYMPATHY]
You can, but…
Fuck this. I can’t do this again. I’m… not going to do an analysis after each chapter. What’s the fucking point? I’ll just do a separate analysis episode after every few chapters. Minimise the pain.
So, what do we have to look forward to in the first few chapters?
Well, we get to meet Crunchy… HA! A better version than this one! …as he embarks on a new career path. Fucking not a podcaster, that’s for sure.
I’ll see you in a few weeks' time.
Until then, TTFN!
CRUNCHY:
Toodle pipski!
Written and produced by Daniel’s Nemesis.
X, Squared also by Daniel’s Nemesis.
Please consider subscribing for chapters and more episodes.
It’ll be a hoot!